Memories of fireworks and Erica have been on my mind today. When we were growing up our immediate and extended family used to gather for a Fourth of July celebration. This usually included hot dogs and burgers on the grill, mom's homemade ice cream, and some chilled watermelon. When the sun set the fireworks came out. I was always a little afraid of getting burned by the fireworks. Not Erica! Erica loved to light the fireworks. Sparklers, Black Cats, you name it, the louder the better. Erica always enjoyed this holiday. Now, it just seems empty without her. My memories of fireworks include my sister and I'm missing her today.
There continues to be a need inside me to justify my sister's death. What was the reason? We know the cause, anaphylaxis. But the how and why continue to plague me. Was it just her time? Was God sparing her from something unpleasant in her future? Justifying death is difficult. Many questions come to mind when I think about Erica's death. Why would her throat swell shut with NO known cause? Can stress really kill you? If stress can kill you then somebody or something was the cause of my sister's death. There has to be a reason. So, I will continue to seek the reason for her death. Justifying death is a process and the process continues.
Yesterday was another moment missed in the lives of Erica's daughters. I couldn't help but think about the significance of the day. It's sad because even though we move on with our everyday lives these special moments are always going to be hard. It also depends on who's perspective you're looking at. Everyone is affected in different ways. Moments that don't affect me may have a profound affect on my parents, brother, or Erica's friends. Each of us grieve Erica and have been impacted by her death in different ways.
This weekend I celebrated my birthday. It was the second birthday I've celebrated without my sister. Last year I was still shocked that she was gone. I looked back to see what I wrote on my blog and I'm glad I did. Click here to read that post, Seeing a Rainbow. It's amazing the difference a year makes. You could say I have seen the rainbow at the end of the grief storm. This storm left a lot of wreckage in it's wake and many things will never be the same again. For a long time it seemed the clouds of grief would never lift but life has a way of turning things around. It happens a little bit at a time until one day you realize the clouds of grief have lifted and sunny skies have returned.
There were many things my mother had to attend to when Erica passed away. One thing my mom pursued was getting Erica awarded a posthumous degree. Erica was working full time and going back to school to obtain her Bachelor's degree in Nursing. When Erica passed away she was one semester away from graduating with her degree. My mom's persistence paid off and tonight she will have the honor of accepting Erica's posthumous degree from Oklahoma City Community College. 
