Accepting Death

Through my experience of grieving Erica some of the information I have read talked about accepting death.  One of the hardest parts of the grief process, for me, is getting to the point where I can accept that Erica is gone.  Accepting death?  When I look back at all the loved one's who have passed and the time it took me to accept their death, there is a big difference.  There are several factors that make it harder to accept Erica's death.  The majority of the relatives I've lost have been related to a long term illness or known health problems.  When you know a loved one is sick you can start grieving before they pass.  You can say your goodbyes and start the acceptance phase of grief.  The unexpected nature of my sisters passing sent my emotions into a tailspin.  The shock and adjustments that our family experienced has made accepting death more difficult.  

Can I say today that I have accepted Erica's death?  The answer is no, I haven't.  But, I am working on it.  I'm continuing to take it one day at a time.  Accepting death is a process and for me the process continues.

Quote: “One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.”  ~Morris West

Blogging as Therapy

When my sister passed away I knew it was going to be hard for me.  I knew several friends that sought counseling after a divorce or a death in their lives.  Keeping a journal was one therapy tool that many of them used to cope with their feelings.  I decided to use blogging as therapy.  I knew it would help me process my thoughts and my family and friends could read my posts.  I know a blog about death and grieving is not the most popular but for my purpose it has helped me cope with my loss.  The one thing that binds us all together is that nobody is immune to loss.  Each of us deals with loss in our own way and I hope my blog will help others realize that their not alone in their pain.  Death can be hard to talk about and I knew I didn't want to internalize my feelings.  Blogging as therapy has worked for me.  There is some comfort in knowing that when my nieces are old enough and they want to read my feelings about losing their mother my blog will be here for them.

       

Lesson in Grief

There is a saying that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".   After my great grandpa Skeet passed away last February I honesty didn't think I would be able to handle losing a close relative.  In fact the exact thought in my head was "Dear God I'm not ready to lose any of my family".  Two weeks later my sister passed away.  I struggled with this for a very long time.  I somehow felt it was my fault that my sister died because I had that thought.  I felt God was trying to show me something.  Was he giving me a lesson in grief?  Had I tempted fate?  I had a very hard time believing that God would take a mother of two beautiful girls just to give me a lesson in grief.  It took me several months to work through the guilt and blame that came with my thought.  I choose to believe that my thought came with very bad timing and God didn't punish my sister just to teach me a lesson in grief.  In the end whether I was ready to lose a close relative or not, it still happened.  The days that I didn't know how I would get through them, I did.  Losing my sister showed me I was stronger than I thought I was.  A lesson in grief that will never be forgotten. 

One Year

When Erica passed away on March 8, 2011 I honestly didn't know how our family would get through our loss.  Today marks one year since she passed away.  Everyone in our family has handled Erica's death in their own way.  My journey of grieving Erica was handled one day at a time.  With each passing day and then each passing month healing occurred.  Erica may no longer walk this earth but she lives on in our hearts.  Her legacy lives on in her daughter's and her beautiful smile lives on in the many pictures we cherish.   Day after day, month after month, and year after year I will not forget my sister.  One year of grieving is behind me, but standing before me is a lifetime without my sister. 

The Call

There are numerous things that I forget on a daily basis but the call I received about my sister's death is burned into my memory.  Nothing prepares you for the call about a loved one passing.  It's safe to say that we had no family plan on what to do when an unexpected death occurred.  I realized that my phone list was seriously out of date.  I didn't know who I should call or what I should do.  I didn't want to call people on their cellphones because I didn't know what they would be doing.  I live over two hours away from my parents and I knew that the loss of my sister was devastating to everyone.  Getting the call sent my system into a grief induced nausea anxiety attack.  I was immediately sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to hyperventilate. The day we lost Erica is burned into my memory.  I may forget where I put my car keys but I know exactly what happened on Tuesday, March 8, 2011.  

I Still Wonder

I don't think it will matter how many days, months, or years go by there will always be things that I still wonder about concerning Erica's death.  I still wonder about the circumstances in her life, and I wonder how if  different decisions had been made by the individuals who impacted her life maybe she would still be alive today.  It's long been said that with every action there is a reaction and with every action a consequence.  The thing is sometimes we fall victim to others actions or inaction.  I believe stress was a huge factor in my sister's death.  Some of this stress was brought on by her decisions but a lot of the stress she was under came from others.  This is why I still wonder if others had made different choices would my sister still be here today?     

What Would You Do?

If you knew you only had one week left to live, what would you do?  Would you write a letter to your children to let them know how much you love them?  Would you do something crazy or go somewhere you've never been?  What would you do?

At this time last year my sister only had one week left to live.  I've wondered what she would have done if she knew?  Since an answer to this question isn't possible, I've come up with an image of her in my mind.  I see my sister on the beaches of Hawaii in a straw hat laying on the beach with a pina colada in one hand and a book in the other.  Erica told her girls she would take them to Hawaii and she loved to read.  So, this image somehow comforts me. 

What would I do if I only had a week to live?  I would go to Busch Gardens in Tampa Bay, Flordia.  What would you do?