Nine Years

No amount of time takes the sadness away! Today marks nine years since Erica passed away and although I have accepted her death the sadness is still there. Three months ago our younger brother passed away and it's been very difficult for me. I'm just devastated! The sadness can be overwhelming at times and the tears just haven't stopped. I thought I did an okay job coping with Erica's death. It took many years before I could say I had accepted her death. The circumstances with my brother's death is completely different and I find myself struggling. Nine years have come and gone and new grieving challenges have begun.  

Here We Go Again

My heart is breaking again! Last Tuesday my family watched my brother take his last breath. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Unlike my sister's passing which was sudden and unexpected, we knew my brother was sick. We thought we had more time, maybe a month, but he took a turn for the worse and passed away on our mother's birthday. The anger and guilt have resurfaced and another journey of grief begun. 

Daily Sadness

Many more birthdays and anniversaries of Erica's death have come and gone since my last post. There is still a daily sadness without her here and many moments I wish we could share together. I started this blog as a form of therapy to help deal with my grief and it did help. There became a point that I no longer needed to write me feelings down but the daily sadness is still here. A permanent hole was created the day she passed away and so far I haven't found anything that fills it. When death takes a loved one it takes more than their being here with us. It takes away all the things we were going to or might do and it's replaced by what we wished we would have done. The phone calls I never made and the occasions that were passed on become hard to ignore. Even though I know there is nothing that changes the outcome I still wish I would have been a better sister. 😒

Five Years

 

This year on the fifth anniversary of Erica's death I find myself thinking about my nieces. My mother is still living and her mother is still alive, so it's hard to know how my nieces feel about the loss of their mother. It's not easy to visit with them about it because they don't want to talk about it. I just hope with each passing year as our memories fade and Erica's voice grows faint in our minds, that they know how much their mother loved them. Her girls meant the world to her!

Defining a Good Life

Over the years I have lost many loved ones and acquaintances young and old. Through these experiences I have found one thing that puzzles me, the definition of a "good life". When someone young dies it's tragic and heart wrenching but when someone elderly passes away we find ourselves saying they lived a long "good life". Does being old define your life as being good? You could be a rotten scoundrel and die at 97 and people will still say you lived a "good life". Not because of the good deeds you did or didn't do, but because of the long life you lived. When someone dies young it's our reaction to feel cheated of the time we won't have together. We look at what we have lost and not the life that was lived. Therefore we define their death as tragic or unfair regardless of whether they lived a "good life". It seems unfair that age be the gauge by which our lives are defined as good because we truly don't know who has lived a "good life".  In the end I must conclude that a "good life" is really not ours to define. 

Four Years

Another year passes and there are still times it doesn't feel real. I have moments when I pause and reflect on the fact that Erica is gone. There are situations I play back in my head and wish I could change. If only I had said this or done that, would things be different. What if other people who influenced Erica's life had made different choices, would it have made a difference.  Then I always come back to the reality that Erica is gone and that can't be changed. No matter how many times you wish things would have been different the reality is still the same. The reality that life is short and time continues on with or without us. If losing Erica has taught me anything it's to seize the day because you may not have tomorrow!

A Birthday Not Forgotten

It was a rainy day today and the dark and gloomy sky mirrored my feelings. Today my sister would have turned thirty-eight. Although she is no longer with us her birthday was not forgotten. It was a reminder to me to make sure you don't leave things unsaid and to seize the opportunities you have while you still have them. At any moment life can change and the time you thought you had is gone. I miss my sister!