Time Alone

On my days off I have a lot of time alone. Most of the time this is not a problem, however I have days when my time alone is spent thinking about my sister. Today while cooking dinner my mind drifted back to the day she died. I was doing the same thing, standing at my kitchen counter and preparing a meal. When my mother called and told me Erica was going to the emergency room, I never for one second thought she would die. I went about making dinner. Now, knowing the conclusion to the story, I wish I would have dropped to my knees to say a prayer. Just another regret!

My time alone reminds me that I'm still grieving Erica.

Emotionally Sensitive

photo © 2010 Roger Green | more info (via: Wylio)It seems since I've been grieving Erica, my state of mind is emotionally sensitive.  My reactions to bad news, tragedy, and the deaths of people I don't even know are more extreme.  I find myself in tears more than usual.  My husband told me this weekend that I was one of the most compassionate people he knew.  I hope his definition of compassionate doesn't translate to emotionally sensitive, because there is a difference.

When we encounter others in our daily lives we are oblivious to the plight in their lives.  The first month after Erica passed I felt like I had the word "sad" tattooed on my head.  In my head I felt everyone was looking at me strangely.  I was in tears so much my husband considered getting me a tshirt that read: "My Sister Died, He's Not Beating Me."  My emotionally sensitive state had him a little embarrased.  Now the tears come and go but my heart and soul have been changed.  My compassion has been deepened and my vulnerabilities exposed. 

Nothing Prepares You

photo © 2009 John Morgan | more info (via: Wylio)My life has not been pain or loss free. Almost all my grandparents have passed away, along with other family members and a few friends. One might think that with each loss you gain some strength to deal with the next. I wish that were true. Each relationship and circumstances surrounding your loved ones will be different. My Dad's Mother died of cancer. We watched as she suffered and physically became frail. I remember feeling a sense of relief when she passed, because she was no longer suffering. We had time to prepare for her departure. That still didn't make it easy, but the circumstances in her life were different.

When my Mother's Father passed away it happened suddenly. He went in for an angioplasty procedure and was in the recovery room when a blood clot went to his heart and killed him. I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotion, uncontrollable tears and I almost couldn't breathe. When my Mom called me about Erica, you can multiply my emotions to my grandfathers death by about six times. I would classify it as hysterical. Nothing prepares you for the news of losing a loved one. Before Erica's passing if I would have tried to image how I would feel if she passed away, I wouldn't have even come close. The circumstances surrounding her death seem so senseless and completely unexpected. I could not have prepared for this. The what ifs, whys, and regrets are almost too much.

Will I emerge as a stronger person from this experience? I hope so. Will it prepare me for the next time I lose a loved one? Doubtful.

Quote: The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears.
                              ~John Vance Cheney