No Fairy Tale Ending

When Erica and I were kids we would play make-believe all the time. We would pretend we got married and had kids and lived happily ever after. We tried on our mother's wedding dress and took pictures and we would constantly wonder who we would marry when we grew up. We wanted our lives to have a fairy tale ending. The happily ever after that happens in children's books. This is where the false idea of marriage and family is introduced to young girls. Prince Charming doesn't just show up, kiss you, and you live happily ever after. Reality is much different! Sometimes that Prince turns out to be a toad and makes you miserable until you die.

There is several things that bother me about my sister's death but especially today on my fifteenth wedding anniversary. It bothers me that she never found her fairy tale ending. I hate it that she died single, a hard working mother, and at a hospital alone. I wanted her to find a man that would sacrifice for her and love her the way she deserved. I wanted to see the light in her eyes when she looked at the man she loved. I wanted her to be happy. Erica experienced No Fairy Tale Ending and she passed away before her happily ever after came true.
  

Missing Moments

The last thing a young parent wants to think about is missing moments of their children's lives because of their unexpected death.  Unfortunately reality doesn't care if you don't want to think about this issue, it can still happen.  The subject of missing moments was on my mind all weekend.  Erica's youngest daughter had a memorable event this past weekend and it breaks my heart that Erica missed it.  Each time her daughter's have a birthday or participate in a special event I'm reminded of these missing moments.  It's hard to get past the fairy tale of happily ever after and accept the reality that life is unpredictable and you may not like the hand you're dealt.  Life is made from one moment to the next and it's up to us to make those moments count. 

It's Not Like Television

photo © 2008 Torley | more info (via: Wylio)

Television can give a false sense of reality when it comes to dealing with the medical examiner's office.  One of my favorite television shows is Castle.  Each episode is cleverly written and they always figure out what happened.  However, reality is quite different, it's not like television.  Erica's cause of death won't be "official" until sometime in June.  Now, if this were a crime drama, they would have this information within the first fifteen minutes of the show.  Reality bites! 

When you're trying to work on the accepting phase of grief one of the main ingredients is the why and how of the situation.  So, I find myself stuck.  I can accept that Erica's gone, although I don't like it one bit and I still wish it was a dream.  The why she's gone is still the question.  I like to think Erica's death will be easier to accept when all the questions are answered.  Until then, send up your prayers that our family will find peace.

http://abc.go.com/shows/castle