Holiday Struggle

So, my holiday struggle began at the end of October. During this time of year I find myself missing my sister more than usual. The holidays are a hard reminder that she is gone. There are plenty of things in my life that I am thankful for but sometimes the heartache I feel during the holidays is hard to overcome. For me, the holidays are a reminder of what's missing in my life. My emotions during this time of year can be very stressful and sometimes overwhelming. It's a daily struggle to stay positive and be thankful for what I have. Since I don't have the option of skipping the holidays, all I can do is pray for strength.

Memories of Fireworks

Memories of fireworks and Erica have been on my mind today. When we were growing up our immediate and extended family used to gather for a Fourth of July celebration.  This usually included hot dogs and burgers on the grill, mom's homemade ice cream, and some chilled watermelon.   When the sun set the fireworks came out.  I was always a little afraid of getting burned by the fireworks.  Not Erica!  Erica loved to light the fireworks.  Sparklers, Black Cats, you name it, the louder the better.  Erica always enjoyed this holiday.  Now, it just seems empty without her.  My memories of fireworks include my sister and I'm missing her today. 

I Survived

I survived the Thanksgiving holiday.  Last minute changes with my nieces schedules allowed them to spend the holiday with us.  It was wonderful to be able to spend time with them.  I survived seeing extended family and having five days off with my husband.  This means I'm halfway through the holidays.  I will continue my positive strategy through the first of the year.  When we reach the New Year, I will be able to say I survived the holidays!

The Dread

The fun of Halloween is over and now the dread is setting in.  The dread of the upcoming holiday season.  I used to love the holidays but over the last five years that love has turned into a serious case of dread.  All the planning and coordinating of schedules, followed by dealing with "family" that I would rather avoid can be taxing.  This year I can add to the mix the death of my sister and the dread is compounded.  I wish I had a skip button that would allow me to bypass the holidays altogether.  Simply writing this paragraph has me in tears.  So, here is my second warning that this year the holidays may be too much for me to handle.

Moments Lost

photo © 2010 Cornelia Kopp | more info (via: Wylio)This weekend will be a challenge for my family and I.  My Sister's youngest daughter is in our hometown beauty pagent.  She competed last year and won talent and prettiest eyes for her age group.  I remember the whole family was there and Erica was so proud of her daughter.  It's moments like these that make the loss of Erica so painful.  To watch her daughter without her, it breaks my heart.  These moments lost for her girls seem so unfair. 

Erica's oldest daughter plays softball.  Erica would attend every game.  Since the season has started the empty seat in the bleachers is painfully evident.  Moments lost again. 

Every family function, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, holidays, all moments lost with Erica.  The progress I've made grieving Erica takes a huge setback with the thought of the holidays without my Sister.  The tears roll down my check and the moments lost are real.