Shooting Stars

photo © 2010 Rhys Jones | more info (via: Wylio)When Erica and I were kids we liked this nursery rhyme:

Star Light Star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

We used to look up at the stars and make a wish.  We would search the sky for a shooting star.  Someone told us once that the shooting stars were Angels sent to earth on a mission.  So seeing a shooting star was special.  Looking up at the stars is different now.  I find myself wondering how far away is heaven, and will Erica get to be a shooting star on a mission?  

Going First

photo © 2008 janet farthing | more info (via: Wylio)

Going first is sometimes a scary thing.  Like going into a haunted house at Halloween, I'm not going first.  In fact I will get in the middle; someone else needs to go last, because they're the ones that disappear.  But in death going first is almost easier.  I guess I'm trying to find a positive or make myself feel better for losing Erica.  I was thinking about all the grief Erica was spared by going first.  Erica won't have to deal with the grief when our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends pass away.  She was spared the unpleasantness and agony losing a close loved one brings.  Instead she gets to welcome them into the light.  She is at peace, while we are struggling every day.  I guess my sarcasm has come out to play, because my Sister got it easy; going first is the way to go. 

Adjusting

photo © 2008 Chris Dlugosz | more info (via: Wylio)
The American Heritage Dictionary defines Adjusting- to adapt or conform, as to new conditions.

We adjust things in our lives every day. Some adjusting is easy for example: road detours, we have to adjust our route but we still get where we need to go. Adjusting to the death of a loved one can be difficult, because the route you have always taken is no longer there.  The route my family always took during holidays, special events, and our daily routines were altered. We can't pull out a road map because this route has never been traveled before.

Our map, routes, and our roles have changed.  I was a Sister to two siblings, now I have one, this is an adjustment I wasn’t prepared to make.  I’m an Aunt to two wonderful Nieces, my Sister’s Daughters.  I always knew while Erica was alive that I would have a role in my Nieces lives.  With Erica gone my role in their lives is uncertain, another route that has never been traveled. 

There are a lot of things that I can adjust to in life.  My route in life has taken many detours, road blocks, pot holes, and sometimes it seemed like dead ends.  I’ve always managed to adjust and sometimes redirect my route to better roads.   What I’ve learned is that adapting and conforming to new conditions can be difficult and sometimes you have to build your own roads.     

Moments Lost

photo © 2010 Cornelia Kopp | more info (via: Wylio)This weekend will be a challenge for my family and I.  My Sister's youngest daughter is in our hometown beauty pagent.  She competed last year and won talent and prettiest eyes for her age group.  I remember the whole family was there and Erica was so proud of her daughter.  It's moments like these that make the loss of Erica so painful.  To watch her daughter without her, it breaks my heart.  These moments lost for her girls seem so unfair. 

Erica's oldest daughter plays softball.  Erica would attend every game.  Since the season has started the empty seat in the bleachers is painfully evident.  Moments lost again. 

Every family function, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, holidays, all moments lost with Erica.  The progress I've made grieving Erica takes a huge setback with the thought of the holidays without my Sister.  The tears roll down my check and the moments lost are real.

Pushing Delete

photo © 2008 Adrian Clark | more info (via: Wylio)When my Grandparents passed away I didn't have to deal with this issue of pushing the delete button.  I haven't been able to bring myself to completely eliminate the traces of Erica in my life.  Each time I call my husband I scroll passed Erica's name in my phone.  It makes me sad.  But pushing delete is not easy for me.  I feel like I need the reminder of what I've lost.  I'm not ready to accept the finality of her death.  I feel that when I push delete, I'm saying it's okay that she's gone.  And it's NOT okay.

We all grieve in our own way.  So if you've already pushed delete that's a good thing.  Each of us will deal with these issues in our own time frame.  Maybe the next time I see you, you'll take my phone and do it for me.     

Broken Puzzle

photo © 2008 Andreanna Moya | more info (via: Wylio)If a family is a puzzle and each of us a piece, what happens when one piece is missing?  Erica was a piece in our family puzzle, she filled her space.  That space is now empty.  With time that space may heal but the puzzle will never look the same.  There will always be an empty spot where her piece fit.  It is hard to accept that a piece of your puzzle is missing.     

I'm feeling nostalgic today.  Thinking about memories of Erica.  We put many puzzles together through the years.  I like the easy ones, three hundred pieces max, but she would tackle the hard ones.  She was never one to back down at the thought of a challenge.  So as I face the challenge of picking up the pieces from my broken puzzle, I'm forced to realize our family puzzle will never be the same.  

Because He Lives

photo © 2008 David Ohmer | more info (via: Wylio)

Today is Easter, the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Because he lives, my faith gives me comfort, my Sister Erica is in Heaven.  Because he lives, I know we will meet again.  Because he lives, our sins shall be forgiven.

 

John 3:16

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Because He Lives