Christmas Conundrum

With the first four months after Erica passed away behind us, we inch closer to the end of the year.  All this talk of Christmas in July is getting to me.  I have several issues with the holidays.  The biggest issue is the one I created, my own personal Christmas conundrum.  Five years ago I decided I wanted a baby.  So I set a goal of getting pregnant by Christmas.  Christmas came and I wasn't pregnant so I pushed it back a year.  I will get pregnant by next Christmas.  Well long story short I'm still not pregnant.  This goal I set for myself has ruined the holidays for me.  Everyone around me gets pregnant but not me.  I can already feel the pre-holiday anxiety building.  But this year is different.  This year my Christmas conundrum is compounded by the absence of Erica.  Last year I had a complete melt down and I'd really like to skip this year entirely.  Let this be my notice to my family, this year my Christmas conundrum may be too much for me to handle.

No Goodbyes

One of the hardest parts about losing Erica was the fact that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye.  One minute she was here and the next she was gone.  Her sudden death reinforces the importance on relationships and making sure you leave nothing unsaid.  We never know if will get another chance.

There are many aspects surrounding her death that still bother me.  I keep telling myself that after we have the medical examiners report maybe I'll have a little more closure.  But I can never get the chance to say goodbye and make sure she knew how I felt.  No goodbyes were possible, no goodbyes were said.    

Measurement of Time

Over the last few weeks I've caught myself using Erica's death as a measurement of time.  Everything either falls into two categories: before Erica's death, or after Erica's death.  Before she passed away I would refer to time by either the week, month, or year.  Now, her death has become another point at which I gauge the measurement of time.  Within our family Erica's death had a huge impact on many of us and that impact will forever be a measurement of time. 

Unseen Wounds

photo © 2009 Adria Richards | more info (via: Wylio)When someone is injured or hurt there is usually visible signs.  A bandage signifies a cut, crutches for a hurt leg, and a cast for a broken arm, all of these are visible signs of a wound.  Grief is different, the unseen wounds we walk around with go unnoticed but are just as painful.  I believe it is easy for people to forget that someone is grieving because of these unseen wounds.  We look fine and we have no obvious signs of hurt therefore we must be fine.  This couldn't be further from the truth. 

I hope that others realize that my nieces wounds may not show for years to come.  The wounds of losing their mother may compound over time or new wounds open as they age and miss their mother.  Their unseen wounds may affect them in many different ways.  They will need the love and support of their family and friends for years to come.

Everyday we encounter others with unseen wounds.   It's easy to tell when someone stops using cruthes, gets their cast off, or removes a bandage, you can tell they are healed.  Just remember that the wounds of grief may go unseen.

Daily Reminders

photo © 2009 Dean Morley | more info (via: Wylio)This week I took a trip to see my nieces and parents.  While staying at my parent's house I was able to see the daily reminders they have to deal with concerning Erica.  One reminder was waking up to phone calls for Erica and having to hear my Mom say that Erica had passed away.  Apparently this happens quite often.  Another reminder came in the afternoon when we retrieved the mail.  There were a couple of items addressed to Erica.  This brought to my attention that my parents have many more daily reminders to prolong their grief than I do.  My Mom still has to deal with all the loose ends that came with Erica's death, sending in death certificates and phone calls.  This insight into my parent's life made me realize how hard these daily reminders are for them.          

Time

photo © 2011 Janet Ramsden | more info (via: Wylio)
It has been said that time is a great healer.  With the passing of everyday I'm finding that it is easier to move on.  Part of me still feels that it's unfair how little time Erica had with her daughters.  I just feel they were cheated from life with their mother.  When I share the story of what happened to Erica I find that people with young children find it very disturbing.  Nobody likes to think about one day no longer being there for their children.  Time is promised to no one.  I've always had a vision of what I wanted my life to be.  With Erica gone my vision has changed and change doesn't always come easy for me.  For now time marches on.

Soul Searching

photo © 2006 Börkur Sigurbjörnsson | more info (via: Wylio)Many lessons have been learned or reemphasized with Erica passing.  I have found myself doing a lot of soul searching in the last four months.  It is very easy to become complacent in life and continue along the safe routes, when really we should be rocking our boats.  I've asked myself a couple of questions:

• Am I making a difference is someones life?
• Will I leave this earth better than it was when I arrived?
• Do I make a positive impact on those around me?

I believe each of us are a work in progress and we should constantly strive to be better.  This concept of better has nothing to do with money but everything to do with ethics, values, and morals.  In the soul that answers the call for me, what will the Great Judge find?  This soul searching has me moving my life in a different direction.  So, I'm rocking my boat.