Six Months

Erica Showing Sheep, Spring 1995

There are certain times that make the loss of Erica more painful and this week is one of them. This Friday is the fall sheep show in Cleveland County.  Erica's daughters are showing in the same arena their mother did when she was in high school.  These times have always been family events for us.  Erica's absence will be painfully present.  We would always sit in the bleachers together and watch, first my brother, and then her girls.  For the last nineteen years many memories were made during sheep shows.  This six month milestone is proving to be difficult because I know my sister would want to be there for her girls.  My heart is heavy for our loss of Erica.  

The Ones We Love

There have been many times I've wondered, why we hurt the ones we love?  It seems that family members forget that their loved ones have feelings.  Sometimes we take our bad days out on the ones we love.  We may treat our friends with kid gloves and make sure we don't say things we might regret.  When it comes to family, why is it so different?

Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of this too.  However, since Erica passed away suddenly, I've been reminded of the importance of the words we say.  You never know if the words you say right now, will be the last words you'll ever say, or the last words someone you love will hear.  With Erica, our last words was just passing conversation.  I couldn't have imagined I would lose my sister ten days later. 

The ones we love deserve more respect than we would give a friend.  When things get rough family should lift each other up and not tear each other down.  I guess the golden rule should be remembered, "do unto other as you would have them do unto you."  Look at the situation through your loved one's perspective and not just your own.  At the end of the day family is what matters, we need the ones we love. 

Random Thoughts

The last couple of weeks I've been staying busy.  I started selling my handmade cards on Etsy.  This new endeavor is keeping my mind off of losing Erica.  However, I still have days where I get choked up during conversations.  Today was one of those days.  It seems when I go to the Doctor I'm vulnerable to reveal emotion.  Plus, I really hate the question "so, how are you doing?"  This just opened the door for tears and emotion.  I think the better question to ask would be "so, how's your health?"  At least then I'm focused on my health and not the death of my sister.  I'm sure it didn't help that I listed on the form that my sister died from a sulfa based drug reaction.  That information alone lead to conversation and tears.  Anyway, those are some of my random thoughts, feelings and emotions for the day.  Until next time, take care.       

Missing My Sister

Erica & Andrea, 1979

Today I'm missing my sister.  I woke up thinking about her this morning and she's been on my mind ever since.  I constantly think about my nieces and how they miss their mother.  I know we were blessed to have Erica in our lives for thirty-four years but I still feel my nieces got short changed.  So many things will never be the same without her.  I'm missing my sister today and forever more.    

Report Update

As of last week the medical examiner's report was still not ready.  They assured my mother that most reports are done within six months.  In two weeks it will be six months since Erica passed.  It will be nice to have the results so I don't worry about when the report will be ready.  Hopefully the next update will be the final report.

Stuck in Sadness

This week I've been stuck in sadness.  There isn't anything specific that I can blame my sadness on.  It just seems like the jet stream has pushed a sadness front my way and it hasn't lifted.  The front has produced some tears and mainly cloudy days that's left me feeling a little melancholy.  There are so many issues going on within me, within society, and within our government that makes me sad.  Many of these issues I can do nothing about but they affect me anyway.  Hopefully my forecast will change and my stuck in sadness front will be lifted.  Until then, I'm using my umbrella.

Resentful Feelings

When I first started my blog I needed a way to express my feelings while I was grieving Erica.  My hope now is that others can read my posts and realize that their not alone in the feelings they have over losing a loved one.  With that in mind, I'm going to be honest.  Recently I find myself having resentful feelings when I hear other women talk about their sisters.  Hopefully in time these resentful feelings will go away.  Right now all I can think about is all the things Erica and I will never do together.  When I see sisters laughing together those resentful feelings swell inside me.  I'm not proud of these feelings but they're there.  So, if through the grieving process you find yourself having resentful feelings for your situation, just know you're not alone.