Some Comfort

Wednesday evening I watched the show Beyond Belief.  This episode interviewed several people who had near death experiences.  One of my issues is worrying about Erica being in pain and scared before she died.  This show helped to give me some comfort about the moments before we die.  Several people described the experience as the greatest peace they had ever felt.  They said they weren't scared and had no memory of pain.  Now, I realize there was no proof offered and many reasons to be skeptical but I'm choosing to find some comfort in their testimonies.  The picture of death they painted was a lot better than the picture my mind had created.  Some comfort is better than none. 

Another Loss

Yesterday I attended a funeral for another family member.  Our family lost a great man, Louis Kindrick.  He was a distant relative of mine; he was the Granddad to a couple of my favorite cousins.  Mr. Kindrick was always a kind man with a great disposition.  The service was a lovely reflection of his life and his devotion to his family.  I had great admiration for Mr. and Mrs. Kindrick for being married for 63 years.  My heart and thoughts go out to Dolores and family as they grieve for Louis.  It is rare to find a man of Louis's caliber, he will be greatly missed.    

Switching My Focus

Over the last couple of weeks I've been working on switching my focus.  It's time for me to move on.  I have used my blog as a therapy tool and it has really helped.  But recently I've noticed that switching my focus is good for me.  I will continue to write my blog as memories, events, and milestones occur.  It is my hope that my blog has helped others as they grieve the loss of a loved one and I hope each of you will get to the point where you can switch your focus.

For tracking purposes it has been 144 days since I started grieving Erica.  May she rest in peace. 

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning how to dance in the rain.  ~Vivian Greene

Christmas Conundrum

With the first four months after Erica passed away behind us, we inch closer to the end of the year.  All this talk of Christmas in July is getting to me.  I have several issues with the holidays.  The biggest issue is the one I created, my own personal Christmas conundrum.  Five years ago I decided I wanted a baby.  So I set a goal of getting pregnant by Christmas.  Christmas came and I wasn't pregnant so I pushed it back a year.  I will get pregnant by next Christmas.  Well long story short I'm still not pregnant.  This goal I set for myself has ruined the holidays for me.  Everyone around me gets pregnant but not me.  I can already feel the pre-holiday anxiety building.  But this year is different.  This year my Christmas conundrum is compounded by the absence of Erica.  Last year I had a complete melt down and I'd really like to skip this year entirely.  Let this be my notice to my family, this year my Christmas conundrum may be too much for me to handle.

No Goodbyes

One of the hardest parts about losing Erica was the fact that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye.  One minute she was here and the next she was gone.  Her sudden death reinforces the importance on relationships and making sure you leave nothing unsaid.  We never know if will get another chance.

There are many aspects surrounding her death that still bother me.  I keep telling myself that after we have the medical examiners report maybe I'll have a little more closure.  But I can never get the chance to say goodbye and make sure she knew how I felt.  No goodbyes were possible, no goodbyes were said.    

Measurement of Time

Over the last few weeks I've caught myself using Erica's death as a measurement of time.  Everything either falls into two categories: before Erica's death, or after Erica's death.  Before she passed away I would refer to time by either the week, month, or year.  Now, her death has become another point at which I gauge the measurement of time.  Within our family Erica's death had a huge impact on many of us and that impact will forever be a measurement of time. 

Unseen Wounds

photo © 2009 Adria Richards | more info (via: Wylio)When someone is injured or hurt there is usually visible signs.  A bandage signifies a cut, crutches for a hurt leg, and a cast for a broken arm, all of these are visible signs of a wound.  Grief is different, the unseen wounds we walk around with go unnoticed but are just as painful.  I believe it is easy for people to forget that someone is grieving because of these unseen wounds.  We look fine and we have no obvious signs of hurt therefore we must be fine.  This couldn't be further from the truth. 

I hope that others realize that my nieces wounds may not show for years to come.  The wounds of losing their mother may compound over time or new wounds open as they age and miss their mother.  Their unseen wounds may affect them in many different ways.  They will need the love and support of their family and friends for years to come.

Everyday we encounter others with unseen wounds.   It's easy to tell when someone stops using cruthes, gets their cast off, or removes a bandage, you can tell they are healed.  Just remember that the wounds of grief may go unseen.