The What If's of Death

Everyday I think about my sister.  I often wonder how the choices we make affect our lives.  What if Erica had made different choices, would she still be with us?  Then I think about circumstances.  What if they were different?  What if Erica had a different Doctor when she went to the emergency room?  What if she had postponed the minor surgery she had?   One might think after grieving Erica for over six months the what if's would be over.  They're not, not for me anyway.  The what if's linger in my mind.  Then there's the harsh reality everyday that my sister is dead.  No what if's will ever change that.

Shopping Tears

While shopping today it was hard to hold back the tears.  For this story you need to know the history behind it.  Last Christmas something told me I needed to find something special for Erica.  I worried more about what I should buy her than usual.  I wanted her gift to show I put some thought into it.  I finally found a couple of things I thought she would like at this store called Belk.  When shopping today I found myself in the same department I bought Erica's gift.  The idea that I won't be buying her a gift this year entered my mind.  Then the shopping tears emerged.   I'm finding the ideas of the impeding holiday season to be depressing.  I'm sure there are many more shopping tears to come. 

Instant Treasures

Andrea & Erica, 1977

Throughout our childhood my mother was a picture fanatic.  We have numerous albums of family photos.  Those photos became instant treasures when Erica passed away.  When we were looking through albums to put together a slide show for Erica's memorial service, it was hard to pick.  There are so many great memories and photos of her life.  The slide show ended up having over 100 photos.  Each photo became instant treasures that are priceless to our family. 

 

Feeling Alone



Image: dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net



The last few weeks I find myself feeling alone.  I have a great marriage and three wonderful cats but something is missing.  That something is kids.  I joined facebook to feel connected to others after Erica passed away.  I had the desire to be social and to reach out.    However, most my friends on facebook have kids.  Their posts and lives are centered around their kids, and they should be.  Reading their posts reminds me of what I'm missing.  I find myself feeling sad that I've never had children and this feeling of being alone is exaggerated.

My conversation with my husband a couple of weeks ago was about whether we wanted to be buried or cremated.  I told him, I see no point in being buried nobody will be around to come visit us.  Our tombstone will go unvisited and flower free.  Since this realization and conversation I can't shake feeling alone.  

I'm not looking for pity or for anyone to feel sad for me.  I honestly wasn't ready for a baby until 2007.  Then when we finally decided to start trying that's when the infertility issues emerged.  Life is full of choices and I made mine and I'm feeling alone because of the choices I made. 

Haunting Thoughts

The mind works in mysterious ways and mine is no exception.  I've mentioned before that I never saw my sister after she died.  However, my mind has created some haunting thoughts and images that I can't get rid of.  Images of Erica's body lying in the hospital after she died, the morgue, and finally the cremation process.  I'll be laying in bed before I go to sleep and these images appear in my mind.  Maybe it's the fear of the unknown or watching too many Body of Proof episodes.  Whatever it is, these haunting thoughts are keeping me up at night. 

Six Months

Erica Showing Sheep, Spring 1995

There are certain times that make the loss of Erica more painful and this week is one of them. This Friday is the fall sheep show in Cleveland County.  Erica's daughters are showing in the same arena their mother did when she was in high school.  These times have always been family events for us.  Erica's absence will be painfully present.  We would always sit in the bleachers together and watch, first my brother, and then her girls.  For the last nineteen years many memories were made during sheep shows.  This six month milestone is proving to be difficult because I know my sister would want to be there for her girls.  My heart is heavy for our loss of Erica.  

The Ones We Love

There have been many times I've wondered, why we hurt the ones we love?  It seems that family members forget that their loved ones have feelings.  Sometimes we take our bad days out on the ones we love.  We may treat our friends with kid gloves and make sure we don't say things we might regret.  When it comes to family, why is it so different?

Don't get me wrong, I'm guilty of this too.  However, since Erica passed away suddenly, I've been reminded of the importance of the words we say.  You never know if the words you say right now, will be the last words you'll ever say, or the last words someone you love will hear.  With Erica, our last words was just passing conversation.  I couldn't have imagined I would lose my sister ten days later. 

The ones we love deserve more respect than we would give a friend.  When things get rough family should lift each other up and not tear each other down.  I guess the golden rule should be remembered, "do unto other as you would have them do unto you."  Look at the situation through your loved one's perspective and not just your own.  At the end of the day family is what matters, we need the ones we love.