If I Had Only Known

Erica & Andrea, 1981

Each day I think about my sister. The passing of time has not taken that away. It has been a year and a half since Erica passed away. My heart still drops and tears well up in my eyes when I think back to the day she died. The thought comes to my mind....."if I had only known," there would be many things I would have done differently, if I had only known. I would have called, sent a text or an email, a little more often, if I had only known. I would have made sure I said what needed to be said, if I had only known. In my mind we were going to grow old and get gray hair and have plenty of time to do sisterly things together but, I was wrong. Now, each day I live with that regret and the thoughts of what should have been.   

Thinking of Erica

Over the last couple of days I've been thinking of Erica a lot. It's been a year and five months since she passed away and I don't want to forget the last time I saw her. I want to keep that memory of her smile alive. She was laughing and having a good time and I wish I would have taken some pictures. My metal pictures have a tendency to fade and so I have to actively picture my sister to keep her memory fresh in my mind. That's the funny thing about time, it can help you heal but it also causes things to be lost. I will continue thinking of Erica so time does not steal the memories I cherish.

Pondering the Meaning of Life

Do you ever ask yourself the question, what is the meaning of life? Over the last week with all the tragedy and heartache surrounding the theater massacre I find myself pondering the meaning of life. Here are some of my pondering thoughts:

• Is there a purpose to our existence? 
• What is that purpose?
• When we fulfill our purpose is our time through? 
• Why do some suffer horrible deaths and others go quietly into the beyond? 
• How does a massacre fall into "God's plan?"
• Are we supposed to learn something significant from these events?

As you can tell this isn't just a casual rambling but rather thought provoking questions. Is there a deeper meaning than what we see on the surface? The funny thing about pondering the meaning of life is there are no answers. There is just more questions.  Religion is based on faith and since I'm a religious person I should have faith. Faith that our existence has meaning. Faith that there is a reason. Faith in God.  The only thing about faith is it doesn't "give" you answers.  My personality seeks answers and therefore faith, and faith alone doesn't provide me with the answers I'm looking for.  So, I'm left pondering the meaning of life.

Another Sudden Ending

Today was another sudden ending of a great life.  A work colleague passed away this morning.  It's just another reminder to seize the moment.  Yesterday he was laughing and smiling and today he's gone.  It's strange how one day it's just the end of our physical existence.  Here one minute and gone the next.  Right now I'm just a little stunned and sad for another sudden ending and the beginning of another families journey through grief.

Memories of Fireworks

Memories of fireworks and Erica have been on my mind today. When we were growing up our immediate and extended family used to gather for a Fourth of July celebration.  This usually included hot dogs and burgers on the grill, mom's homemade ice cream, and some chilled watermelon.   When the sun set the fireworks came out.  I was always a little afraid of getting burned by the fireworks.  Not Erica!  Erica loved to light the fireworks.  Sparklers, Black Cats, you name it, the louder the better.  Erica always enjoyed this holiday.  Now, it just seems empty without her.  My memories of fireworks include my sister and I'm missing her today. 

Justifying Death

There continues to be a need inside me to justify my sister's death.  What was the reason?  We know the cause, anaphylaxis.  But the how and why continue to plague me.  Was it just her time?  Was God sparing her from something unpleasant in her future?  Justifying death is difficult.  Many questions come to mind when I think about Erica's death. Why would her throat swell shut with NO known cause?  Can stress really kill you?  If stress can kill you then somebody or something was the cause of my sister's death.  There has to be a reason.  So, I will continue to seek the reason for her death.  Justifying death is a process and the process continues.

Another Moment Missed

Yesterday was another moment missed in the lives of Erica's daughters.  I couldn't help but think about the significance of the day.  It's sad because even though we move on with our everyday lives these special moments are always going to be hard.  It also depends on who's perspective you're looking at.  Everyone is affected in different ways.  Moments that don't affect me may have a profound affect on my parents, brother, or Erica's friends.  Each of us grieve Erica and have been impacted by her death in different ways.

For me, one thing that I have learned through losing my sister, is that you never truly understand the impact someone else has on your life until they are no longer here.  It's too easy to get wrapped up in our own lives to realize the value each relationship have to us.  Now, each moment missed I am reminded that I should have taken the time, when I had it, to make the best of our time together.  Another moment missed and another lesson learned too late.