Done Trying to Rationalize

Losing a loved one brings about many thoughts and emotions. One problem I've struggled with while Grieving Erica is trying to rationalize her death. It seemed I wanted there to be a logical explanation for the question "why Erica?" I found myself thinking and wondering if things would be different if this, that, or the other wouldn't have happened. There had to be a good reason to take Erica away from her daughter's, family, and friends... right??? That's what I kept trying to figure out, but I'm done trying to rationalize Erica's death. If there was a "good" reason, then it shall not be mine to find. Looking for and trying to rationalize death is a futile quest. I have decided this is an area where my faith in God should be placed. I'm done trying to rationalize, my mind has found peace and I pray my family finds the same. 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33


 

Two Years

Today is the two year anniversary of my sister's death. I still think of her daily and continue to picture her in my mind so I don't forget the many precious memories. Time has helped and the initial shock is gone, but there are still days that it doesn't feel real. The idea that someone you love is here one minute and gone the next, was a hard life lesson to learn. I still haven't deleted Erica's cell phone number from mine. I decided it was something I wanted to keep in my life. The idea of erasing/deleting her name from my phone was just not an option for me. There are still tears shed and times I wish I could pick up the phone and hear her voice or send a text. I still have a hard time hearing other women talk about doing things with their sisters, it's a reminder of the loss in my life. Grieving Erica will be a lifelong journey. Two years have passed and progress made, but I still face the rest of my life without my sister.

Missing My Sister

I know it's been awhile since I've posted my thoughts/feelings about Grieving Erica. My grief still exists but the grief is manageable. There are still many mornings that I wake up thinking about her. I think of her everyday! This week leading up to the anniversary of her death is always hard. Today, she has been on my mind a lot. Her laugh, her smile, her sense of humor, her candid words, the list could go on for the things I miss about Erica. In summary, I miss my sister.

Christmas Without Erica

Over the weekend our family gathered together to celebrate Christmas. This was our second Christmas Without Erica. My heart hurts because my nieces weren't able to spend Christmas with their mother. It's been hard to accept this change in our family. When I look at my nieces, I just want them to have their mother back. No amount of presents can fix the hole the loss of their mother has created. There's nothing I can do to fix it and no hug that will replace a hug from their mother. Each year we will face Christmas Without Erica and each year we will miss her and wish she were here.

Holiday Struggle

So, my holiday struggle began at the end of October. During this time of year I find myself missing my sister more than usual. The holidays are a hard reminder that she is gone. There are plenty of things in my life that I am thankful for but sometimes the heartache I feel during the holidays is hard to overcome. For me, the holidays are a reminder of what's missing in my life. My emotions during this time of year can be very stressful and sometimes overwhelming. It's a daily struggle to stay positive and be thankful for what I have. Since I don't have the option of skipping the holidays, all I can do is pray for strength.

Death was Coming

Some nights I sit and wonder, did my sister know death was coming?  You know how you get that feeling in your gut that something is wrong or that something is going to happen?  Do you think we get that feeling when our time has come?  I have no experience with this topic, but the thought that Erica knew death was coming has been with me for awhile.  I find it intriguing that she went to church the Sunday before her death and church wasn't an every Sunday routine for her, or I.  Was there something that prompted her to go?  A feeling or a pull that she knew that's what she needed to do?  Or was it simple coincidence?

There may be no answer to this thought in my head, but the idea that we could be aware that death is coming is a little comforting.

Happy Heavenly Birthday!

I want to wish my sister a Happy Heavenly Birthday!!! Today she would have turned 36. This day is a reminder for me to embrace the time I have. Birthdays may come and go and the years may add up but at some point we celebrate the last birthday we will ever have. All that we can ask is that somebody remembers us when we are gone and today I remember my sister.

Happy Birthday sis!!!