Moments Lost

photo © 2010 Cornelia Kopp | more info (via: Wylio)This weekend will be a challenge for my family and I.  My Sister's youngest daughter is in our hometown beauty pagent.  She competed last year and won talent and prettiest eyes for her age group.  I remember the whole family was there and Erica was so proud of her daughter.  It's moments like these that make the loss of Erica so painful.  To watch her daughter without her, it breaks my heart.  These moments lost for her girls seem so unfair. 

Erica's oldest daughter plays softball.  Erica would attend every game.  Since the season has started the empty seat in the bleachers is painfully evident.  Moments lost again. 

Every family function, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthdays, holidays, all moments lost with Erica.  The progress I've made grieving Erica takes a huge setback with the thought of the holidays without my Sister.  The tears roll down my check and the moments lost are real.

Pushing Delete

photo © 2008 Adrian Clark | more info (via: Wylio)When my Grandparents passed away I didn't have to deal with this issue of pushing the delete button.  I haven't been able to bring myself to completely eliminate the traces of Erica in my life.  Each time I call my husband I scroll passed Erica's name in my phone.  It makes me sad.  But pushing delete is not easy for me.  I feel like I need the reminder of what I've lost.  I'm not ready to accept the finality of her death.  I feel that when I push delete, I'm saying it's okay that she's gone.  And it's NOT okay.

We all grieve in our own way.  So if you've already pushed delete that's a good thing.  Each of us will deal with these issues in our own time frame.  Maybe the next time I see you, you'll take my phone and do it for me.     

Broken Puzzle

photo © 2008 Andreanna Moya | more info (via: Wylio)If a family is a puzzle and each of us a piece, what happens when one piece is missing?  Erica was a piece in our family puzzle, she filled her space.  That space is now empty.  With time that space may heal but the puzzle will never look the same.  There will always be an empty spot where her piece fit.  It is hard to accept that a piece of your puzzle is missing.     

I'm feeling nostalgic today.  Thinking about memories of Erica.  We put many puzzles together through the years.  I like the easy ones, three hundred pieces max, but she would tackle the hard ones.  She was never one to back down at the thought of a challenge.  So as I face the challenge of picking up the pieces from my broken puzzle, I'm forced to realize our family puzzle will never be the same.  

Because He Lives

photo © 2008 David Ohmer | more info (via: Wylio)

Today is Easter, the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ.  Because he lives, my faith gives me comfort, my Sister Erica is in Heaven.  Because he lives, I know we will meet again.  Because he lives, our sins shall be forgiven.

 

John 3:16

¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Because He Lives

Roller Coasters

The first couple of weeks after Erica passed away I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster.  One minute I would be somewhat composed and the next a grief stricken mess.  If you've ever been to Six Flags Over Texas it was like riding the "Shock Wave" a couple of steep climbs followed by a couple of loops upside down.  It has been forty-six days since we lost Erica.  My emotional roller coaster ride is a little easier.  I would relate it to "The Judge Roy Scream," featured in my blog photo.  I still have some steep climbs but, the upside down loops have disappeared.  My emotions are leveling out and I feel like I can cope with the grief better than before.

The Judge Roy Scream

I want to point out the significance of the roller coasters I used in my analogy of my grief.  My parents would take our family almost every year to Six Flags Over Texas.  Erica LOVED roller coasters, the faster the better.  When she was little she was too short to ride The Judge Roy Scream, and she cried and cried because she wanted to ride it.  The next year she had grown and there was no stopping her.  She road that roller coaster over and over.  During one trip in the fall we got lucky and the line to the Shock Wave was very short.  Erica and I road that roller coaster at least ten times that day.  She would run through the line to beat me, so she could pick where we sat.  She liked the front of the roller coaster, I preferred the middle.  She was a little daredevil.  When I think of roller coasters, I think of Erica.  I'll never forget the great times we shared together as a family.

Life is a roller coaster. Sometimes you're at the top of the hill feeling good. Other times your heading for the bottom feeling totally out of control. Life is full of things that are hard to handle, but you can get through them.

                               ~ Reggie Dabbs

Grief is Everywhere

photo © 2007 Dr. Wendy Longo | more info (via: Wylio)When thinking about the subject of grief, and talking to others about my loss, I've been reminded that grief is everywhere and it comes in many forms.  Grief can come from many places, a death of a loved one, a divorce, an illness, losing a job, from being abused, and from personal struggles we encounter on a daily basis.  Grieving Erica has made me more aware of the people around me.  My family, friends, colleagues and students whom I'm around all the time, many of them have grief in their lives. 

It is very easy to become self-absorbed in our modern society.  We are taught from an early age that the only ones that can help us is ourselves.  Somewhere along the way our compassion for others has disappeared.  But every single one of us at some point will need the comfort and support from someone else.  We walk past people everyday who are hurting.  Do we treat them kindly or do we walk the other way?  Our actions matter, because grief is everywhere.

Quote:  There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown  

Dreams

The mind works in mysterious ways sometimes.  Last week one of my posts, The Blame Game, mentioned how Erica and I rarely talked on the phone with each other.  That night I had a dream that Erica and I were talking on the phone.  In the dream I asked Erica if it was really her and she said "yeah, I just wanted to see how you were doing."  When I woke up I thought how surreal.  Was my mind just trying to make me feel better for the regret I have or was God trying to put me at ease?
photo © 2007 Nadia Minic | more info (via: Wylio)
Through the years I've heard stories from others how their loved ones came to them in dreams after they had passed away.  They usually say it felt so real it's like they were there.  I had always felt it was a coping mechanism we use to help us deal with our grief.  But now, I don't know.  I'll need to do some research on this subject to gain a better understanding. 

Have you had a dream of a loved one after they passed?