Friday, April 15, 2011

The Blame Game

New Girls in the Morning Mistphoto © 2008 Amanda Slater | more info (via: Wylio)When someone you love passes away you may find yourself playing this game.  The blame game works like this:  If I had only called my Sister the day she died maybe I could tell by the sound of her voice that she didn't feel good and I could have prevented her death.  Now, I know that my Sister was smart, she was taking classes to be a nurse.  She realized something was wrong and called for an ambulance.  But my mind goes to this place of blame.

The reality is my Sister and I rarely called each other on the phone.  So why would I have called her on that day?  Maybe I feel that my intuition should have alerted me that something was wrong with Erica.  Here's another one:  If I would have gone home the weekend before to watch her daughter show her sheep maybe Erica would still be alive.  As if we would have had a conversation about the antibiotics she was taking and I would have told her to stop.  Yeah, that wouldn't have happened.  So why do I feel the need to blame myself?

My answer to my own question is this:  It's my need to feel in control.  I would like to think that somehow it would have made a difference.  In reality I was not in control.  Ultimately each of us has an influence and we steer our ways through life but we're not in the drivers seat.  We are passengers trying to live our lives the best we can until we reach our final destination. 

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