Here We Go Again

My heart is breaking again! Last Tuesday my family watched my brother take his last breath. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Unlike my sister's passing which was sudden and unexpected, we knew my brother was sick. We thought we had more time, maybe a month, but he took a turn for the worse and passed away on our mother's birthday. The anger and guilt have resurfaced and another journey of grief begun. 

Five Years

 

This year on the fifth anniversary of Erica's death I find myself thinking about my nieces. My mother is still living and her mother is still alive, so it's hard to know how my nieces feel about the loss of their mother. It's not easy to visit with them about it because they don't want to talk about it. I just hope with each passing year as our memories fade and Erica's voice grows faint in our minds, that they know how much their mother loved them. Her girls meant the world to her!

Defining a Good Life

Over the years I have lost many loved ones and acquaintances young and old. Through these experiences I have found one thing that puzzles me, the definition of a "good life". When someone young dies it's tragic and heart wrenching but when someone elderly passes away we find ourselves saying they lived a long "good life". Does being old define your life as being good? You could be a rotten scoundrel and die at 97 and people will still say you lived a "good life". Not because of the good deeds you did or didn't do, but because of the long life you lived. When someone dies young it's our reaction to feel cheated of the time we won't have together. We look at what we have lost and not the life that was lived. Therefore we define their death as tragic or unfair regardless of whether they lived a "good life". It seems unfair that age be the gauge by which our lives are defined as good because we truly don't know who has lived a "good life".  In the end I must conclude that a "good life" is really not ours to define. 

Four Years

Another year passes and there are still times it doesn't feel real. I have moments when I pause and reflect on the fact that Erica is gone. There are situations I play back in my head and wish I could change. If only I had said this or done that, would things be different. What if other people who influenced Erica's life had made different choices, would it have made a difference.  Then I always come back to the reality that Erica is gone and that can't be changed. No matter how many times you wish things would have been different the reality is still the same. The reality that life is short and time continues on with or without us. If losing Erica has taught me anything it's to seize the day because you may not have tomorrow!

Three Years

Today marks the third year of my sister's departure to heaven and the start of Grieving Erica. I still miss her every day and there are still many aspects of her death that bother me. Not knowing the cause of her anaphylaxis keeps me wondering how this could have happened. If we knew exactly why she had this reaction it wouldn't change the outcome but it would at least give us a reason. The not knowing why leaves me open to create my own reasons and I would rather have a real reason than some of my creative theories.

After three years, time has healed the daily anguish that grief causes but it hasn't healed all wounds. There will always be that ache in my heart and the tears falling from my eyes when I think about losing Erica. Life moves forward but there was a part of our family lost on March 8, 2011 and that loss knows no time.

Grieving Hearts

It seems everywhere I look these days there is a headline about violence and death. I know that wherever there is death, there is grieving hearts. Families and friends mourning the unexpected loss of their loved ones. In my life I've experienced the expected death of a loved one and the unexpected death that sends your emotions on a roller coaster. It isn't something you wish others to feel. The shock, nausea and overwhelming grief from the unexpected death is a feeling I can't explain. What I find so sad, is a lot of these deaths are from random acts of violence carried out on innocent victims. Victims who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and lost their lives because of it. There is a lot I don't understand about random violence but I do know that it creates too many unnecessary grieving hearts.

If you find yourself at my blog because your heart is grieving, know that there are sunnier days ahead. What seems impossible to get through today will eventually get better. I don't mean that things will go back to your previous normal. The normal we once knew is forever changed. My heart still grieves for my sister and I know it always will. Her presence in my life is gone. I will always have a grieving heart.

 

Death was Coming

Some nights I sit and wonder, did my sister know death was coming?  You know how you get that feeling in your gut that something is wrong or that something is going to happen?  Do you think we get that feeling when our time has come?  I have no experience with this topic, but the thought that Erica knew death was coming has been with me for awhile.  I find it intriguing that she went to church the Sunday before her death and church wasn't an every Sunday routine for her, or I.  Was there something that prompted her to go?  A feeling or a pull that she knew that's what she needed to do?  Or was it simple coincidence?

There may be no answer to this thought in my head, but the idea that we could be aware that death is coming is a little comforting.

Another Sudden Ending

Today was another sudden ending of a great life.  A work colleague passed away this morning.  It's just another reminder to seize the moment.  Yesterday he was laughing and smiling and today he's gone.  It's strange how one day it's just the end of our physical existence.  Here one minute and gone the next.  Right now I'm just a little stunned and sad for another sudden ending and the beginning of another families journey through grief.

Justifying Death

There continues to be a need inside me to justify my sister's death.  What was the reason?  We know the cause, anaphylaxis.  But the how and why continue to plague me.  Was it just her time?  Was God sparing her from something unpleasant in her future?  Justifying death is difficult.  Many questions come to mind when I think about Erica's death. Why would her throat swell shut with NO known cause?  Can stress really kill you?  If stress can kill you then somebody or something was the cause of my sister's death.  There has to be a reason.  So, I will continue to seek the reason for her death.  Justifying death is a process and the process continues.

Joined in Heaven

Today my grandpa Andy and my sister were joined in Heaven by our lifelong neighbor and friend Travis Grayson.  Travis was a kind and warm hearted man who could always make me smile.  I grew up across the street from his farm where he raised cattle and the occasional pony.  I was one of the lucky ones who was given permission to fish at his amazing ponds.  My grandpa and Travis were great friends who would help each other with farm projects and shared farm equipment.  When my grandpa passed away it helped knowing Travis was still around.  My heart is heavy for our loss of a truly great man, but I rejoice in knowing that joined in Heaven are great friends who are catching up on old times.    

Quote: "Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality". ~Emily Dickinson

Accepting Death

Through my experience of grieving Erica some of the information I have read talked about accepting death.  One of the hardest parts of the grief process, for me, is getting to the point where I can accept that Erica is gone.  Accepting death?  When I look back at all the loved one's who have passed and the time it took me to accept their death, there is a big difference.  There are several factors that make it harder to accept Erica's death.  The majority of the relatives I've lost have been related to a long term illness or known health problems.  When you know a loved one is sick you can start grieving before they pass.  You can say your goodbyes and start the acceptance phase of grief.  The unexpected nature of my sisters passing sent my emotions into a tailspin.  The shock and adjustments that our family experienced has made accepting death more difficult.  

Can I say today that I have accepted Erica's death?  The answer is no, I haven't.  But, I am working on it.  I'm continuing to take it one day at a time.  Accepting death is a process and for me the process continues.

Quote: “One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.”  ~Morris West

The Call

There are numerous things that I forget on a daily basis but the call I received about my sister's death is burned into my memory.  Nothing prepares you for the call about a loved one passing.  It's safe to say that we had no family plan on what to do when an unexpected death occurred.  I realized that my phone list was seriously out of date.  I didn't know who I should call or what I should do.  I didn't want to call people on their cellphones because I didn't know what they would be doing.  I live over two hours away from my parents and I knew that the loss of my sister was devastating to everyone.  Getting the call sent my system into a grief induced nausea anxiety attack.  I was immediately sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to hyperventilate. The day we lost Erica is burned into my memory.  I may forget where I put my car keys but I know exactly what happened on Tuesday, March 8, 2011.  

Anaphylaxis

The official cause of Erica's death from the medical examiner is anaphylaxis.  Although in their report they could find no trigger that lead to her reaction.  Therefore it was deemed an accidental death.  The antibiotic that she was on, Bactrim ds, wasn't even found in her system.  This prompted me to do a little research.  It seems that the medical community has started to notice and use a term called, stress-induced anaphylaxis.  Exercise and anxiety can also increase your risk of anaphylaxis.  In summary we will never know exactly what triggered Erica's anaphylaxis.

Quote:  

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr

Heartache

Andrea & Precious, 1993

Throughout my life there will be many reasons for heartache.  Tonight my heartache was caused by losing my twenty year old cat, Precious.  For the last year we had given her fluid therapy to help her ailing kidneys.  We knew that our time with her was limited but to watch her blue eyes fade was a heart breaking experience.  When you first fall in love with an adorable baby animal the furthest thing from your mind is having to deal with a death experience.  Time moves quickly and over the weekend we knew her time had come.  The heartache I feel today will not be quickly forgotten.  Rest in peace my Precious. 

Quote: "No heaven will not ever Heaven be. Unless my cats are there to welcome me." ~Anonymous


     

Measurement of Time

Over the last few weeks I've caught myself using Erica's death as a measurement of time.  Everything either falls into two categories: before Erica's death, or after Erica's death.  Before she passed away I would refer to time by either the week, month, or year.  Now, her death has become another point at which I gauge the measurement of time.  Within our family Erica's death had a huge impact on many of us and that impact will forever be a measurement of time. 

Reactive Depression

photo © 2007 b k | more info (via: Wylio)Grief is a very personal journey.  Each of us will deal with the death of Erica in our own ways.  For me talking and writing about it helps.  I am hoping my family will not experience reactive depression.  This type of depression can be brought on by a death in the family.  Our reactions and how we handle our grief is very important.  Although reactive depression usually passes with time, if you realize your grief is affecting your daily functions you may want to seek counseling.  If left untreated it could get worse which can lead to major depression. 

The hardest part for me is I don't have very many people to talk with about my loss.  I don't want to burden others with my grief so I tend to internalize most of it.  Because grief is so personal some people don't like to talk about it.  It helps me to hear how others feel.  I don't feel so alone when others share their experiences and feelings.  We should never feel ashamed or embarrassed for being sad.  Erica was an important part of our lives and we miss her.  Just remember you are not alone.  

Quote: Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect.   The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Cause of Death

At this time what the Doctors believe happened was Erica had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic she was taking after having a minor out-patient surgery a week prior.  The medical examiner report won't be finished until sometime in June.  I will let you know the antibiotic after we have confirmation. 

Erica's Senior Picture

It is hard to wrap your mind around the fact that a simple thing like an antibiotic took my sisters life.  Everyday millions of people take medications in the hopes it will make them better.  In this case it did the complete opposite.  Now my two nieces are without their Mother.  My heart breaks for them and for our family.

The Day We Lost Erica

photo © 2008 Tambako The Jaguar | more info (via: Wylio)

The day we lost Erica, Tuesday March 8, 2011, started like any other day.  I went to work.  After work I did a little shopping and then went home.  About 5:00 PM I started making dinner for my husband.  My Mother calls about 5:10 PM and told me that Erica was having a difficult time breathing, and that they called an ambulance and she was headed to the hospital.  We talked for a little bit about her day, I reassured her Erica would be fine, and we hung up.  I continued making dinner, Sweet and Sour Meatballs.  I told myself Erica is strong she will be fine, she’s only 34, everything will be okay.  The phone rings again at 6:15PM and it’s my Mother.  Immediately I know it’s not fine.  She can hardly make out the words that Erica didn’t make it.  All I could say is it will be okay, I’m on my way.  I knew it wouldn’t be okay but I didn’t know what else to say.  At this point I’m hysterical and sick to my stomach.  My husband wasn’t home from work yet.  I felt out of control.  What had just happened?