Nine Years

No amount of time takes the sadness away! Today marks nine years since Erica passed away and although I have accepted her death the sadness is still there. Three months ago our younger brother passed away and it's been very difficult for me. I'm just devastated! The sadness can be overwhelming at times and the tears just haven't stopped. I thought I did an okay job coping with Erica's death. It took many years before I could say I had accepted her death. The circumstances with my brother's death is completely different and I find myself struggling. Nine years have come and gone and new grieving challenges have begun.  

Daily Sadness

Many more birthdays and anniversaries of Erica's death have come and gone since my last post. There is still a daily sadness without her here and many moments I wish we could share together. I started this blog as a form of therapy to help deal with my grief and it did help. There became a point that I no longer needed to write me feelings down but the daily sadness is still here. A permanent hole was created the day she passed away and so far I haven't found anything that fills it. When death takes a loved one it takes more than their being here with us. It takes away all the things we were going to or might do and it's replaced by what we wished we would have done. The phone calls I never made and the occasions that were passed on become hard to ignore. Even though I know there is nothing that changes the outcome I still wish I would have been a better sister. 😒

A Birthday Not Forgotten

It was a rainy day today and the dark and gloomy sky mirrored my feelings. Today my sister would have turned thirty-eight. Although she is no longer with us her birthday was not forgotten. It was a reminder to me to make sure you don't leave things unsaid and to seize the opportunities you have while you still have them. At any moment life can change and the time you thought you had is gone. I miss my sister!

Stuck in Sadness

This week I've been stuck in sadness.  There isn't anything specific that I can blame my sadness on.  It just seems like the jet stream has pushed a sadness front my way and it hasn't lifted.  The front has produced some tears and mainly cloudy days that's left me feeling a little melancholy.  There are so many issues going on within me, within society, and within our government that makes me sad.  Many of these issues I can do nothing about but they affect me anyway.  Hopefully my forecast will change and my stuck in sadness front will be lifted.  Until then, I'm using my umbrella.

The Nausea of Grief

photo © 2008 Pete Markham | more info (via: Wylio)

















For those out there who have never lost anyone close, there is more to your reaction than just tears.  I was immediately sick to my stomach.  The feeling of nausea took over my body.  From Tuesday when I heard the news through Wednesday, I barely ate anything.  By Thursday morning I was hungry but eating ended up being a bad idea.  I decided on a protein shake, I usually have one every morning.  I made my way to the kitchen, mixed up my protein shake, and down it went.  It tasted pretty good.  Within two minutes it was on my bedroom floor.  I couldn't even make it to the bathroom.  My husband, being the great guy he is, cleaned it up for me.  Now the tears started and I was a huge grief stricken mess.  I felt like the poor little sick kitty in the photo, helpless, sad, overwhelmed, and looking for answers.