Unanswered Questions

There will forever be unanswered questions I have for my Sister.  I really never thought about the questions I had for Erica until I no longer had the chance to ask.  Over the last few months I have found myself coming up with random questions that I would have liked to ask her.  One silly question would be where her attraction to bald men came from?  A more serious question would be what role would she want me to have in her daughter's lives if something happened to her?  I can imagine what she might say but, unanswered questions they will forever be.       

Resentful Feelings

When I first started my blog I needed a way to express my feelings while I was grieving Erica.  My hope now is that others can read my posts and realize that their not alone in the feelings they have over losing a loved one.  With that in mind, I'm going to be honest.  Recently I find myself having resentful feelings when I hear other women talk about their sisters.  Hopefully in time these resentful feelings will go away.  Right now all I can think about is all the things Erica and I will never do together.  When I see sisters laughing together those resentful feelings swell inside me.  I'm not proud of these feelings but they're there.  So, if through the grieving process you find yourself having resentful feelings for your situation, just know you're not alone. 

Some Comfort

Wednesday evening I watched the show Beyond Belief.  This episode interviewed several people who had near death experiences.  One of my issues is worrying about Erica being in pain and scared before she died.  This show helped to give me some comfort about the moments before we die.  Several people described the experience as the greatest peace they had ever felt.  They said they weren't scared and had no memory of pain.  Now, I realize there was no proof offered and many reasons to be skeptical but I'm choosing to find some comfort in their testimonies.  The picture of death they painted was a lot better than the picture my mind had created.  Some comfort is better than none. 

Christmas Conundrum

With the first four months after Erica passed away behind us, we inch closer to the end of the year.  All this talk of Christmas in July is getting to me.  I have several issues with the holidays.  The biggest issue is the one I created, my own personal Christmas conundrum.  Five years ago I decided I wanted a baby.  So I set a goal of getting pregnant by Christmas.  Christmas came and I wasn't pregnant so I pushed it back a year.  I will get pregnant by next Christmas.  Well long story short I'm still not pregnant.  This goal I set for myself has ruined the holidays for me.  Everyone around me gets pregnant but not me.  I can already feel the pre-holiday anxiety building.  But this year is different.  This year my Christmas conundrum is compounded by the absence of Erica.  Last year I had a complete melt down and I'd really like to skip this year entirely.  Let this be my notice to my family, this year my Christmas conundrum may be too much for me to handle.