I know it's been awhile since I've posted my thoughts/feelings about Grieving Erica. My grief still exists but the grief is manageable. There are still many mornings that I wake up thinking about her. I think of her everyday! This week leading up to the anniversary of her death is always hard. Today, she has been on my mind a lot. Her laugh, her smile, her sense of humor, her candid words, the list could go on for the things I miss about Erica. In summary, I miss my sister.
When my sister passed away I knew it was going to be hard for me. I knew several friends that sought counseling after a divorce or a death in their lives. Keeping a journal was one therapy tool that many of them used to cope with their feelings. I decided to use blogging as therapy. I knew it would help me process my thoughts and my family and friends could read my posts. I know a blog about death and grieving is not the most popular but for my purpose it has helped me cope with my loss. The one thing that binds us all together is that nobody is immune to loss. Each of us deals with loss in our own way and I hope my blog will help others realize that their not alone in their pain. Death can be hard to talk about and I knew I didn't want to internalize my feelings. Blogging as therapy has worked for me. There is some comfort in knowing that when my nieces are old enough and they want to read my feelings about losing their mother my blog will be here for them.
Throughout my life I've heard people say "there in a better place now," referring to people who have passed away. This idea that "heaven" is a better place than living has given me very little comfort. If Erica would have been sick or had a terminal illness those words may have brought some comfort. However, Erica was only 34 and in relatively good health with two daughters and family who loved her. So, I have a hard time believing that "heaven" is the better place. The better place is here with her daughters and family. |
| Image: dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net |
When I first started my blog I needed a way to express my feelings while I was grieving Erica. My hope now is that others can read my posts and realize that their not alone in the feelings they have over losing a loved one. With that in mind, I'm going to be honest. Recently I find myself having resentful feelings when I hear other women talk about their sisters. Hopefully in time these resentful feelings will go away. Right now all I can think about is all the things Erica and I will never do together. When I see sisters laughing together those resentful feelings swell inside me. I'm not proud of these feelings but they're there. So, if through the grieving process you find yourself having resentful feelings for your situation, just know you're not alone. 
photo © 2008 Jeremy Austin | more info (via: Wylio)Grieving a loved one is a lot like weathering a storm. When it's stormy outside and the sky is dark and gray it is tempting to crawl into bed and sleep the day away. It is hard to face the emotions and feelings when a loved one leaves us. Sometimes it seems easier to stay busy or distracted so we don't focus on the loss and feelings inside us. What happens when we crawl in bed on these stormy days is we miss seeing a rainbow when the storm has lifted. Your grief and emotions are like a violent storm in the beginning. The storm wrecks your emotional foundation. Eventually the sunshine starts to shine through the dark clouds. As the clouds fade away the sunshine leaves a beautiful rainbow for all to see. For me, seeing a rainbow gives me hope that God has a plan for me and the storm I experienced will prepare me for what lay ahead. So, don't sleep through your rainbows, embrace them and God will embrace you. 
