Defining a Good Life

Over the years I have lost many loved ones and acquaintances young and old. Through these experiences I have found one thing that puzzles me, the definition of a "good life". When someone young dies it's tragic and heart wrenching but when someone elderly passes away we find ourselves saying they lived a long "good life". Does being old define your life as being good? You could be a rotten scoundrel and die at 97 and people will still say you lived a "good life". Not because of the good deeds you did or didn't do, but because of the long life you lived. When someone dies young it's our reaction to feel cheated of the time we won't have together. We look at what we have lost and not the life that was lived. Therefore we define their death as tragic or unfair regardless of whether they lived a "good life". It seems unfair that age be the gauge by which our lives are defined as good because we truly don't know who has lived a "good life".  In the end I must conclude that a "good life" is really not ours to define. 

Pondering the Meaning of Life

Do you ever ask yourself the question, what is the meaning of life? Over the last week with all the tragedy and heartache surrounding the theater massacre I find myself pondering the meaning of life. Here are some of my pondering thoughts:

• Is there a purpose to our existence? 
• What is that purpose?
• When we fulfill our purpose is our time through? 
• Why do some suffer horrible deaths and others go quietly into the beyond? 
• How does a massacre fall into "God's plan?"
• Are we supposed to learn something significant from these events?

As you can tell this isn't just a casual rambling but rather thought provoking questions. Is there a deeper meaning than what we see on the surface? The funny thing about pondering the meaning of life is there are no answers. There is just more questions.  Religion is based on faith and since I'm a religious person I should have faith. Faith that our existence has meaning. Faith that there is a reason. Faith in God.  The only thing about faith is it doesn't "give" you answers.  My personality seeks answers and therefore faith, and faith alone doesn't provide me with the answers I'm looking for.  So, I'm left pondering the meaning of life.

Another Moment Missed

Yesterday was another moment missed in the lives of Erica's daughters.  I couldn't help but think about the significance of the day.  It's sad because even though we move on with our everyday lives these special moments are always going to be hard.  It also depends on who's perspective you're looking at.  Everyone is affected in different ways.  Moments that don't affect me may have a profound affect on my parents, brother, or Erica's friends.  Each of us grieve Erica and have been impacted by her death in different ways.

For me, one thing that I have learned through losing my sister, is that you never truly understand the impact someone else has on your life until they are no longer here.  It's too easy to get wrapped up in our own lives to realize the value each relationship have to us.  Now, each moment missed I am reminded that I should have taken the time, when I had it, to make the best of our time together.  Another moment missed and another lesson learned too late.       

A New Meaning

Today is Memorial Day and for a lot of people it's just an extra day off work.  However, there is a new meaning to this day for those who have lost a loved one.  It's a day to remember and appreciate the sacrifice of our soldiers and the legacy of our loved ones.  It's a day to be thankful for what we have and to recognize the impact of those before us.  This day has a new meaning for me.  Grieving Erica forced me to realize the fragility of life and to see the true impact we all have on each other.  Sometimes it takes the absence of a loved one for a new meaning to be revealed.

Clouds of Grief

This weekend I celebrated my birthday.  It was the second birthday I've celebrated without my sister.  Last year I was still shocked that she was gone.  I looked back to see what I wrote on my blog and I'm glad I did.  Click here to read that post, Seeing a Rainbow.  It's amazing the difference a year makes. You could say I have seen the rainbow at the end of the grief storm.  This storm left a lot of wreckage in it's wake and many things will never be the same again.  For a long time it seemed the clouds of grief would never lift but life has a way of turning things around.  It happens a little bit at a time until one day you realize the clouds of grief have lifted and sunny skies have returned.

The Easter Reminder

This was the second Easter without my sister.  I know every year I will experience the Easter reminder.  The celebration of Easter reminds me that because Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice for our sins we shall have eternity together.  Although Erica has left her earthly body, her spirit is alive.  The Easter reminder should be a daily reminder of God's love for each of us. 

John 3:16 - “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".

Life Happens

We are blessed everyday when we wake up in the morning.  We have been given another day to discover something new, or complete an unfinished task.  Along the way life happens.  Life happens in positive and negative ways.  I believe the way we deal with life issues is a true testament to one's character.  There seems to be a lot of negativity circling around these days.  It can be hard to stay positive when the people around you want to spread their negativity.  Life happens to everyone.  Nobody is immune to the ups and downs of life.  A big part of life is how we react to problems.  Will you let the problem define you, or will you define the problem?

Quote: "All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you."  ~Walt Disney

 

 

Life Goes On

When I stop and think about how life goes on regardless of our presence, it makes me stop to think.  If for some reason I don't make it to tomorrow and life goes on without me, will I leave a contribution worth remembering?    I believe we should strive to make the world and ourselves better everyday.  If we are simply existing, what's the point?  The value in our lives isn't made up of the dollars in our bank accounts but rather the richness we add to the world we live in.  Do we add to the value of our world or are we depreciating it's value?  We have a limited amount of time to make a difference while we are here.  Life goes on without you. What contribution will you leave?

No Guarantees

Throughout my life I've been told several times that life has no guarantees.  However, it is easy to live day to day and expect things to continue on the path you planned.  The hardest part grieving Erica has been the reminder that life has no guarantees.  I have tried to take a more "carpe diem" approach to life but I haven't fully embraced the idea.  Sometimes it's hard to change.  Sometimes it's hard to take a chance when you know there is no guarantee.  I do believe that life is what we make it and even when things don't go as planned we still have a choice in the way we handle it. 

    

“Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.”  ~Erich Fromm

Between You and God

This is not my original work.  I copied it from a friend on facebook who copied it from a friend of hers.  I really like the message and I wanted to share.  These are great words to live by.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.....

No Goodbyes

One of the hardest parts about losing Erica was the fact that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye.  One minute she was here and the next she was gone.  Her sudden death reinforces the importance on relationships and making sure you leave nothing unsaid.  We never know if will get another chance.

There are many aspects surrounding her death that still bother me.  I keep telling myself that after we have the medical examiners report maybe I'll have a little more closure.  But I can never get the chance to say goodbye and make sure she knew how I felt.  No goodbyes were possible, no goodbyes were said.    

She is Gone Poem

photo © 2007 Pamela Carls | more info (via: Wylio)

The following poem was left in the comments section of my blog this week.  However, it is too beautiful to hide there.  The words touched my heart as I hope they do yours.

She Is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Written 1981

David Harkins 1959 -

Silloth, Cumbria, UK

Just a Thought

photo © 2011 Alexandre Dulaunoy | more info (via: Wylio)I have this book called The Book of Good Cheer from Laughing Elephant books.  The book contains many quotes and sayings and I read it when I need to be inspired.  Since Erica has passed I find myself reading it a lot.  I want to share with you one of my favorites:

I will this day try to live a simple, sincere and serene life, repelling promptly every thought of discontent, anxiety, discouragement, impurity and self-seeking; cultivating cheerfulness, magnanimity, charity and the habit of holy silence, exercising economy in expenditure, carefulness in conversation, diligence in appointed service, fidelity to every trust and child-like trust in God. 
           ~John H. Vincent

The thing that draws me to this saying is that Mr. Vincent has set boundaries and expectations for his life.  Ones that he hopes will be beneficial not only to himself but also to the people around him.  Each of us should have an idea of what we want our life to represent.  I have known for a long time that my values are very traditional compared to others my age.  My outlook on life is important to me and it's what guides me on a daily basis.  It seems that many around me only seek self satisfaction and forget that their actions affect others.  If we have never stopped and asked ourselves what we represent, how can we expect others to treat us the way we want to be treated?  

Unfinished

There is no perfect time to die and we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  However the timing of Erica's death left so many things unfinished.  She had just reconnected with a friend and they were talking about a future together.  She had just moved out of our parent's house into a duplex on her own.  She was taking the steps to independence after her recovery from her divorce.  It was such a bright time for her future.  Then in the matter of an hour she was gone.  One life ended and life interrupted for family, friends, and colleagues.  Unfinished feelings remain in our heart in that space Erica left.

It is hard to realize sometimes just how many lives we touch.  I've heard people say that nobody would miss them if they were gone.  Those people fail to realize the impact their life has on others.  Each of us makes a difference is somebodies life.  Maybe it's your children, a friend, and a colleague going through a hard time that just looks forward to the smile you give them every day.  Erica made a difference.  Her absence has changed the path and plans of many people.  We wouldn't feel unfinished if her life didn't make a difference in our own lives.  Like a painting that goes unfinished, something just doesn't look or feel right.  That is how I feel about losing Erica, unfinished.      

Adjusting

photo © 2008 Chris Dlugosz | more info (via: Wylio)
The American Heritage Dictionary defines Adjusting- to adapt or conform, as to new conditions.

We adjust things in our lives every day. Some adjusting is easy for example: road detours, we have to adjust our route but we still get where we need to go. Adjusting to the death of a loved one can be difficult, because the route you have always taken is no longer there.  The route my family always took during holidays, special events, and our daily routines were altered. We can't pull out a road map because this route has never been traveled before.

Our map, routes, and our roles have changed.  I was a Sister to two siblings, now I have one, this is an adjustment I wasn’t prepared to make.  I’m an Aunt to two wonderful Nieces, my Sister’s Daughters.  I always knew while Erica was alive that I would have a role in my Nieces lives.  With Erica gone my role in their lives is uncertain, another route that has never been traveled. 

There are a lot of things that I can adjust to in life.  My route in life has taken many detours, road blocks, pot holes, and sometimes it seemed like dead ends.  I’ve always managed to adjust and sometimes redirect my route to better roads.   What I’ve learned is that adapting and conforming to new conditions can be difficult and sometimes you have to build your own roads.     

Pushing Delete

photo © 2008 Adrian Clark | more info (via: Wylio)When my Grandparents passed away I didn't have to deal with this issue of pushing the delete button.  I haven't been able to bring myself to completely eliminate the traces of Erica in my life.  Each time I call my husband I scroll passed Erica's name in my phone.  It makes me sad.  But pushing delete is not easy for me.  I feel like I need the reminder of what I've lost.  I'm not ready to accept the finality of her death.  I feel that when I push delete, I'm saying it's okay that she's gone.  And it's NOT okay.

We all grieve in our own way.  So if you've already pushed delete that's a good thing.  Each of us will deal with these issues in our own time frame.  Maybe the next time I see you, you'll take my phone and do it for me.     

A Lesson Learned

photo © 2008 QThomas Bower | more info (via: Wylio)In my blog titled, The Nights are Hard, I mentioned how some lessons in life are learned the hard way.  I want to share with you one of the lessons I've learned through Erica's passing.  Shortly after Erica gave birth to her first daughter, Erica was diagnosed with a bicuspid aortic valve of the heart.  From that point forward Erica saw a Cardiologist every couple of years.  At some point in her life there was a possibility she would have to have the valve replaced.  She was having it monitored and her prognosis was good. 

My parents knew what the complications of her condition could be, and one was an aorta aneurysm.  Their worst nightmare became that they could lose Erica suddenly without warning.  I guess I was living in my positive, Erica will be fine world.  Because I didn't realize how severe it could be.  I figured at some point she would need heart surgery, but she could live to be fifty before that happened.  I never prepared myself that Erica could die suddenly.  Especially from something not heart related (as far as we know at this point). 

 It is safe to say that after Erica's diagnosis her approach to life changed.  She was more spontaneous and she lived for the here and now.  She did what she wanted to do.  I know she worried about dying at a young age.  This brings me to the lesson I've learned:

Sometimes we get so busy worrying about the things we can't change that we forget to focus on the things we can. 

Happiness

photo © 2006 Irina Iordachescu | more info (via: Wylio)
Erica's last facebook post stated "I'm the happiest I've ever been, now I just want to get some sleep."

In my professional life I've taught a class on Ethics.  Some people believe our purpose in life is to find true happiness.  Again, I find some irony in the fact that Erica posted such comment the night before she passed away.  Is our destiny simply to find true happiness?  Should I find it comforting that Erica had found happiness?

My Mom would always tell us "You can't look for others to make you happy, you have to find the happiness within yourself."  Yet, the majority of people seek outside things or stuff to make them happy.  I believe it starts with our own heart.  Is your heart truely open to happiness?  We can't find what we're not prepared to receive.  So, prepare your heart for happiness.

Quote:  Happiness is the only good.  The place to be happy is here.  The time to be happy is now.  The way to be happy is to help make others so.  ~Robert G. Ingersoll