Nine Years

No amount of time takes the sadness away! Today marks nine years since Erica passed away and although I have accepted her death the sadness is still there. Three months ago our younger brother passed away and it's been very difficult for me. I'm just devastated! The sadness can be overwhelming at times and the tears just haven't stopped. I thought I did an okay job coping with Erica's death. It took many years before I could say I had accepted her death. The circumstances with my brother's death is completely different and I find myself struggling. Nine years have come and gone and new grieving challenges have begun.  

Four Years

Another year passes and there are still times it doesn't feel real. I have moments when I pause and reflect on the fact that Erica is gone. There are situations I play back in my head and wish I could change. If only I had said this or done that, would things be different. What if other people who influenced Erica's life had made different choices, would it have made a difference.  Then I always come back to the reality that Erica is gone and that can't be changed. No matter how many times you wish things would have been different the reality is still the same. The reality that life is short and time continues on with or without us. If losing Erica has taught me anything it's to seize the day because you may not have tomorrow!

Three Years

Today marks the third year of my sister's departure to heaven and the start of Grieving Erica. I still miss her every day and there are still many aspects of her death that bother me. Not knowing the cause of her anaphylaxis keeps me wondering how this could have happened. If we knew exactly why she had this reaction it wouldn't change the outcome but it would at least give us a reason. The not knowing why leaves me open to create my own reasons and I would rather have a real reason than some of my creative theories.

After three years, time has healed the daily anguish that grief causes but it hasn't healed all wounds. There will always be that ache in my heart and the tears falling from my eyes when I think about losing Erica. Life moves forward but there was a part of our family lost on March 8, 2011 and that loss knows no time.

Two Years

Today is the two year anniversary of my sister's death. I still think of her daily and continue to picture her in my mind so I don't forget the many precious memories. Time has helped and the initial shock is gone, but there are still days that it doesn't feel real. The idea that someone you love is here one minute and gone the next, was a hard life lesson to learn. I still haven't deleted Erica's cell phone number from mine. I decided it was something I wanted to keep in my life. The idea of erasing/deleting her name from my phone was just not an option for me. There are still tears shed and times I wish I could pick up the phone and hear her voice or send a text. I still have a hard time hearing other women talk about doing things with their sisters, it's a reminder of the loss in my life. Grieving Erica will be a lifelong journey. Two years have passed and progress made, but I still face the rest of my life without my sister.

If I Had Only Known

Erica & Andrea, 1981

Each day I think about my sister. The passing of time has not taken that away. It has been a year and a half since Erica passed away. My heart still drops and tears well up in my eyes when I think back to the day she died. The thought comes to my mind....."if I had only known," there would be many things I would have done differently, if I had only known. I would have called, sent a text or an email, a little more often, if I had only known. I would have made sure I said what needed to be said, if I had only known. In my mind we were going to grow old and get gray hair and have plenty of time to do sisterly things together but, I was wrong. Now, each day I live with that regret and the thoughts of what should have been.   

Thinking of Erica

Over the last couple of days I've been thinking of Erica a lot. It's been a year and five months since she passed away and I don't want to forget the last time I saw her. I want to keep that memory of her smile alive. She was laughing and having a good time and I wish I would have taken some pictures. My metal pictures have a tendency to fade and so I have to actively picture my sister to keep her memory fresh in my mind. That's the funny thing about time, it can help you heal but it also causes things to be lost. I will continue thinking of Erica so time does not steal the memories I cherish.

Clouds of Grief

This weekend I celebrated my birthday.  It was the second birthday I've celebrated without my sister.  Last year I was still shocked that she was gone.  I looked back to see what I wrote on my blog and I'm glad I did.  Click here to read that post, Seeing a Rainbow.  It's amazing the difference a year makes. You could say I have seen the rainbow at the end of the grief storm.  This storm left a lot of wreckage in it's wake and many things will never be the same again.  For a long time it seemed the clouds of grief would never lift but life has a way of turning things around.  It happens a little bit at a time until one day you realize the clouds of grief have lifted and sunny skies have returned.

One Year

When Erica passed away on March 8, 2011 I honestly didn't know how our family would get through our loss.  Today marks one year since she passed away.  Everyone in our family has handled Erica's death in their own way.  My journey of grieving Erica was handled one day at a time.  With each passing day and then each passing month healing occurred.  Erica may no longer walk this earth but she lives on in our hearts.  Her legacy lives on in her daughter's and her beautiful smile lives on in the many pictures we cherish.   Day after day, month after month, and year after year I will not forget my sister.  One year of grieving is behind me, but standing before me is a lifetime without my sister. 

What Would You Do?

If you knew you only had one week left to live, what would you do?  Would you write a letter to your children to let them know how much you love them?  Would you do something crazy or go somewhere you've never been?  What would you do?

At this time last year my sister only had one week left to live.  I've wondered what she would have done if she knew?  Since an answer to this question isn't possible, I've come up with an image of her in my mind.  I see my sister on the beaches of Hawaii in a straw hat laying on the beach with a pina colada in one hand and a book in the other.  Erica told her girls she would take them to Hawaii and she loved to read.  So, this image somehow comforts me. 

What would I do if I only had a week to live?  I would go to Busch Gardens in Tampa Bay, Flordia.  What would you do? 

Around the Table

The gathering place at my parent's house is the dining table.  It was around the table that I had my last conversation with my sister.  This last weekend I went home to visit and I couldn't help but remember that it had been a year since the last time I saw Erica.  When we gathered around the table this weekend the conversation topic was the complete opposite from last year.  There was no sarcastic humor or crude jokes, just the stark reality of the absence of my sister and the issues left behind.   

Eleven Months

Today marks eleven months or forty-eight Tuesdays since Erica passed away.  With every passing Tuesday another week of grieving is behind me.   When I think back to this time last year I would have never thought about my sister dying.  In fact I would have expected life to continue on in the same manner as always.  It just goes to show that we can't predict what lies ahead.  Eleven months ago I learned just how unexpected life can be.  The quote I picked today reminds me that I too would like an unexpected death.  There is some comfort in knowing that my sister didn't suffer a long illness that took her life.  She was able to live to the fullest everyday until she took her last breath.  It took me eleven months to see what a blessing she was given, the blessing of an unexpected death.

Quote: “Which death is preferably to every other?  ''The unexpected.”
~ Julius Caesar

As Time Goes On

You can probably tell by the lack of blog posts that as time goes on grieving Erica has become more manageable.  I still have moments that her death seems unreal.  I have moments where I break down into tears, but my day to day life feels more in control.  As time goes on my heart is still heavy when I think about my nieces growing up without their mother.  They have a strong supportive family and I know that makes a difference but it's not how I pictured their lives.  As time goes on I've noticed how many people are hurting with the loss of a loved one.  Each day another family starts their grieving process.  Erica's death has changed my reaction to the loss of life.  I've realized just how quickly life can change.  As time goes on different feelings and lessons will be revealed as I continue my journey through life.

Quote: Time is the most undefinable yet paradoxical of things; the past is gone, the future is not come, and the present becomes the past even while we attempt to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once exists and expires.    ~Charles Caleb Colton

Ten Months

It has been ten months since Erica passed away.  Thinking about Erica the other day I had a strange realization.  This time last year, my sister only had two months left to live.  Of course she had NO idea that her life would be over in the coming months.  This prompted me to reflect on my life and the path that I'm on.  We never know when we might be living out our last two months of life.  I guess that's where the saying "life happens when we are busy making plans" comes into play.  The plans we make today may never happen if death comes our way.

Ten months of grieving Erica has forced me to be realistic about life.  I no longer live in my "everything will be fine" world.  The jolt of Erica's death was a wake up call for me.  When it comes to life, there are no second chances.  When your time is up, the game is over. 

Nine Months

Today marks nine months since Erica passed away.  As I reflected back through the months of grieving Erica, the circle of life entered my mind.  Somewhere another family is welcoming a new baby into their lives.  The hopes and dreams for this child were created nine months ago.  While one family experiences the joy and happiness a new baby brings, another family will grieve a loss today.  The circle of life continues on.  Nine months today my sister passed away.

Quote: Pleasure is the flower that passes; remembrance, the lasting perfume.  ~Jean de Boufflers

Eight Months

Over the last eight months grieving Erica, time has eased the day to day emotional pain.  My days are back to normal most of the time.  But sitting here on a Tuesday on the eighth month after her death, the sadness is persistent.  The day is rainy and the sky is gloomy which seem to mirror how I feel inside.  There are still times when I find myself thinking it just doesn't seem possible.  How could this have happened?

Eight months is just a fraction of time when I think about the many years ahead without my Sister.  There were times I didn't agree with what she did and times she wasn't happy with me, but we were Sisters.  That's a term I don't get to use anymore.  It's all past tense and eight months isn't long enough to get used to that. 

Quote: “To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”  

 ~ Erich Fromm

Seven Months

Yesterday was the 8th of October, seven months since Erica passed away.  Our family has reached another milestone in grieving Erica.  As each month passes by the reality that Erica is gone sinks in further.  Time may ease the pain, however time also reinforces the reality of her death.  With each passing month comes a sense of emptiness.  The emptiness that Erica's absence leaves a hole in our family.  The hole in our hearts and lives that Erica once filled.  Seven months have gone by but the emptiness remains.   

Quote: "To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die."
~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground

Six Months

Erica Showing Sheep, Spring 1995

There are certain times that make the loss of Erica more painful and this week is one of them. This Friday is the fall sheep show in Cleveland County.  Erica's daughters are showing in the same arena their mother did when she was in high school.  These times have always been family events for us.  Erica's absence will be painfully present.  We would always sit in the bleachers together and watch, first my brother, and then her girls.  For the last nineteen years many memories were made during sheep shows.  This six month milestone is proving to be difficult because I know my sister would want to be there for her girls.  My heart is heavy for our loss of Erica.  

Five Months

Another month has passed since Erica left this earth.  I have to tell you that part of me feels guilty for feeling better.  I still think of her everyday but grieving Erica probably isn't the term I should use anymore.  I've moved on from grieving to remembering Erica.  I guess you can say I'm in the acceptance stage of grief.  There is still healing that needs to be done before I can say I'm letting go, but I'm headed in that direction.  One day at a time.  

Quote:  Healing yourself is connected with healing others. ~Yoko Ono

Measurement of Time

Over the last few weeks I've caught myself using Erica's death as a measurement of time.  Everything either falls into two categories: before Erica's death, or after Erica's death.  Before she passed away I would refer to time by either the week, month, or year.  Now, her death has become another point at which I gauge the measurement of time.  Within our family Erica's death had a huge impact on many of us and that impact will forever be a measurement of time. 

Time

photo © 2011 Janet Ramsden | more info (via: Wylio)
It has been said that time is a great healer.  With the passing of everyday I'm finding that it is easier to move on.  Part of me still feels that it's unfair how little time Erica had with her daughters.  I just feel they were cheated from life with their mother.  When I share the story of what happened to Erica I find that people with young children find it very disturbing.  Nobody likes to think about one day no longer being there for their children.  Time is promised to no one.  I've always had a vision of what I wanted my life to be.  With Erica gone my vision has changed and change doesn't always come easy for me.  For now time marches on.