Daily Sadness

Many more birthdays and anniversaries of Erica's death have come and gone since my last post. There is still a daily sadness without her here and many moments I wish we could share together. I started this blog as a form of therapy to help deal with my grief and it did help. There became a point that I no longer needed to write me feelings down but the daily sadness is still here. A permanent hole was created the day she passed away and so far I haven't found anything that fills it. When death takes a loved one it takes more than their being here with us. It takes away all the things we were going to or might do and it's replaced by what we wished we would have done. The phone calls I never made and the occasions that were passed on become hard to ignore. Even though I know there is nothing that changes the outcome I still wish I would have been a better sister. 😒

Grieving Hearts

It seems everywhere I look these days there is a headline about violence and death. I know that wherever there is death, there is grieving hearts. Families and friends mourning the unexpected loss of their loved ones. In my life I've experienced the expected death of a loved one and the unexpected death that sends your emotions on a roller coaster. It isn't something you wish others to feel. The shock, nausea and overwhelming grief from the unexpected death is a feeling I can't explain. What I find so sad, is a lot of these deaths are from random acts of violence carried out on innocent victims. Victims who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and lost their lives because of it. There is a lot I don't understand about random violence but I do know that it creates too many unnecessary grieving hearts.

If you find yourself at my blog because your heart is grieving, know that there are sunnier days ahead. What seems impossible to get through today will eventually get better. I don't mean that things will go back to your previous normal. The normal we once knew is forever changed. My heart still grieves for my sister and I know it always will. Her presence in my life is gone. I will always have a grieving heart.

 

Farewell My Friend

This morning I attended the funeral of a Dear Friend and neighbor.  It was a beautiful service that honored her memory well.  There are very few people who hold the title of "Friend" in my life but Marty was easy to love.  She was vivacious and classy and her energy just drew you in.  I would like to share with you the poem from her service.

I'm There Inside Your Heart

Right now I'm in a different place,
and though we seem apart,
I'm closer than I ever was...
I'm there inside your heart.

I'm with you when you greet each day
and while the sun shines bright,
I'm there to share the sunsets, too...
I'm with you every night.

I'm with you when the times are good
to share a laugh or two,
and if a tear should start to fall...
I'll still be there for you.

And when that day arrives
that we no longer are apart,
I'll smile and hold you close to me...
Forever in my heart.

Indeed she will be, forever in my heart.  Farewell my friend until we meet again.

Another Loss

Yesterday I attended a funeral for another family member.  Our family lost a great man, Louis Kindrick.  He was a distant relative of mine; he was the Granddad to a couple of my favorite cousins.  Mr. Kindrick was always a kind man with a great disposition.  The service was a lovely reflection of his life and his devotion to his family.  I had great admiration for Mr. and Mrs. Kindrick for being married for 63 years.  My heart and thoughts go out to Dolores and family as they grieve for Louis.  It is rare to find a man of Louis's caliber, he will be greatly missed.    

Family Dynamic

photo © 2008 Kevin McManus | more info (via: Wylio)My heart aches because my family has lost more than just my Sister.  We have lost our family dynamic.  The way we interact with each other within our family has been shifted.  One part almost feels like its being forcibly removed from our lives.  You can see the distance building with my nieces.  They used to be the center of our family events and they are a tie that binds us together.  Now that tie is loosening and the difference in our family dynamic is apparent.

Grieving Erica is three times as hard because I feel like I not only lost my Sister but I'm losing her girls.  I love them like they were my own and would do anything for them.  But I feel I have no power to make a difference in their lives.  This is extremely painful and heart wrenching for myself and my family.  Losing Erica changed our family dynamic enough, to lose her girls would be unbearable.

Nothing Prepares You

photo © 2009 John Morgan | more info (via: Wylio)My life has not been pain or loss free. Almost all my grandparents have passed away, along with other family members and a few friends. One might think that with each loss you gain some strength to deal with the next. I wish that were true. Each relationship and circumstances surrounding your loved ones will be different. My Dad's Mother died of cancer. We watched as she suffered and physically became frail. I remember feeling a sense of relief when she passed, because she was no longer suffering. We had time to prepare for her departure. That still didn't make it easy, but the circumstances in her life were different.

When my Mother's Father passed away it happened suddenly. He went in for an angioplasty procedure and was in the recovery room when a blood clot went to his heart and killed him. I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotion, uncontrollable tears and I almost couldn't breathe. When my Mom called me about Erica, you can multiply my emotions to my grandfathers death by about six times. I would classify it as hysterical. Nothing prepares you for the news of losing a loved one. Before Erica's passing if I would have tried to image how I would feel if she passed away, I wouldn't have even come close. The circumstances surrounding her death seem so senseless and completely unexpected. I could not have prepared for this. The what ifs, whys, and regrets are almost too much.

Will I emerge as a stronger person from this experience? I hope so. Will it prepare me for the next time I lose a loved one? Doubtful.

Quote: The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears.
                              ~John Vance Cheney