Nothing Prepares You

photo © 2009 John Morgan | more info (via: Wylio)My life has not been pain or loss free. Almost all my grandparents have passed away, along with other family members and a few friends. One might think that with each loss you gain some strength to deal with the next. I wish that were true. Each relationship and circumstances surrounding your loved ones will be different. My Dad's Mother died of cancer. We watched as she suffered and physically became frail. I remember feeling a sense of relief when she passed, because she was no longer suffering. We had time to prepare for her departure. That still didn't make it easy, but the circumstances in her life were different.

When my Mother's Father passed away it happened suddenly. He went in for an angioplasty procedure and was in the recovery room when a blood clot went to his heart and killed him. I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotion, uncontrollable tears and I almost couldn't breathe. When my Mom called me about Erica, you can multiply my emotions to my grandfathers death by about six times. I would classify it as hysterical. Nothing prepares you for the news of losing a loved one. Before Erica's passing if I would have tried to image how I would feel if she passed away, I wouldn't have even come close. The circumstances surrounding her death seem so senseless and completely unexpected. I could not have prepared for this. The what ifs, whys, and regrets are almost too much.

Will I emerge as a stronger person from this experience? I hope so. Will it prepare me for the next time I lose a loved one? Doubtful.

Quote: The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears.
                              ~John Vance Cheney