Another Moment Missed

Yesterday was another moment missed in the lives of Erica's daughters.  I couldn't help but think about the significance of the day.  It's sad because even though we move on with our everyday lives these special moments are always going to be hard.  It also depends on who's perspective you're looking at.  Everyone is affected in different ways.  Moments that don't affect me may have a profound affect on my parents, brother, or Erica's friends.  Each of us grieve Erica and have been impacted by her death in different ways.

For me, one thing that I have learned through losing my sister, is that you never truly understand the impact someone else has on your life until they are no longer here.  It's too easy to get wrapped up in our own lives to realize the value each relationship have to us.  Now, each moment missed I am reminded that I should have taken the time, when I had it, to make the best of our time together.  Another moment missed and another lesson learned too late.       

Lesson in Grief

There is a saying that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".   After my great grandpa Skeet passed away last February I honesty didn't think I would be able to handle losing a close relative.  In fact the exact thought in my head was "Dear God I'm not ready to lose any of my family".  Two weeks later my sister passed away.  I struggled with this for a very long time.  I somehow felt it was my fault that my sister died because I had that thought.  I felt God was trying to show me something.  Was he giving me a lesson in grief?  Had I tempted fate?  I had a very hard time believing that God would take a mother of two beautiful girls just to give me a lesson in grief.  It took me several months to work through the guilt and blame that came with my thought.  I choose to believe that my thought came with very bad timing and God didn't punish my sister just to teach me a lesson in grief.  In the end whether I was ready to lose a close relative or not, it still happened.  The days that I didn't know how I would get through them, I did.  Losing my sister showed me I was stronger than I thought I was.  A lesson in grief that will never be forgotten. 

As Time Goes On

You can probably tell by the lack of blog posts that as time goes on grieving Erica has become more manageable.  I still have moments that her death seems unreal.  I have moments where I break down into tears, but my day to day life feels more in control.  As time goes on my heart is still heavy when I think about my nieces growing up without their mother.  They have a strong supportive family and I know that makes a difference but it's not how I pictured their lives.  As time goes on I've noticed how many people are hurting with the loss of a loved one.  Each day another family starts their grieving process.  Erica's death has changed my reaction to the loss of life.  I've realized just how quickly life can change.  As time goes on different feelings and lessons will be revealed as I continue my journey through life.

Quote: Time is the most undefinable yet paradoxical of things; the past is gone, the future is not come, and the present becomes the past even while we attempt to define it, and, like the flash of lightning, at once exists and expires.    ~Charles Caleb Colton

Warped Logic

photo © 2007 Rupert Ganzer | more info (via: Wylio)

It has been suggested to me that God took Erica to teach me a lesson.  I find this to be a warped sense of logic.  Why would God punish my Sister and her Daughters to teach me a lesson.  This suggestion doesn't make sense to me.  I know this tragedy has made me reevalute the direction of my life.  However, I don't believe my life was the reason God called my Sister home.  This suggestion is truly one of the worst things you could say to a grieving person.  You might as well come out and say it's your fault, you sinner.  So the next time you're visiting with someone who is grieving keep your warped sentiments to yourself.     


Quote: If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.  ~Buddhist Saying

A Lesson Learned

photo © 2008 QThomas Bower | more info (via: Wylio)In my blog titled, The Nights are Hard, I mentioned how some lessons in life are learned the hard way.  I want to share with you one of the lessons I've learned through Erica's passing.  Shortly after Erica gave birth to her first daughter, Erica was diagnosed with a bicuspid aortic valve of the heart.  From that point forward Erica saw a Cardiologist every couple of years.  At some point in her life there was a possibility she would have to have the valve replaced.  She was having it monitored and her prognosis was good. 

My parents knew what the complications of her condition could be, and one was an aorta aneurysm.  Their worst nightmare became that they could lose Erica suddenly without warning.  I guess I was living in my positive, Erica will be fine world.  Because I didn't realize how severe it could be.  I figured at some point she would need heart surgery, but she could live to be fifty before that happened.  I never prepared myself that Erica could die suddenly.  Especially from something not heart related (as far as we know at this point). 

 It is safe to say that after Erica's diagnosis her approach to life changed.  She was more spontaneous and she lived for the here and now.  She did what she wanted to do.  I know she worried about dying at a young age.  This brings me to the lesson I've learned:

Sometimes we get so busy worrying about the things we can't change that we forget to focus on the things we can.