A Birthday Not Forgotten

It was a rainy day today and the dark and gloomy sky mirrored my feelings. Today my sister would have turned thirty-eight. Although she is no longer with us her birthday was not forgotten. It was a reminder to me to make sure you don't leave things unsaid and to seize the opportunities you have while you still have them. At any moment life can change and the time you thought you had is gone. I miss my sister!

Missing My Sister

I know it's been awhile since I've posted my thoughts/feelings about Grieving Erica. My grief still exists but the grief is manageable. There are still many mornings that I wake up thinking about her. I think of her everyday! This week leading up to the anniversary of her death is always hard. Today, she has been on my mind a lot. Her laugh, her smile, her sense of humor, her candid words, the list could go on for the things I miss about Erica. In summary, I miss my sister.

Christmas Without Erica

Over the weekend our family gathered together to celebrate Christmas. This was our second Christmas Without Erica. My heart hurts because my nieces weren't able to spend Christmas with their mother. It's been hard to accept this change in our family. When I look at my nieces, I just want them to have their mother back. No amount of presents can fix the hole the loss of their mother has created. There's nothing I can do to fix it and no hug that will replace a hug from their mother. Each year we will face Christmas Without Erica and each year we will miss her and wish she were here.

Another Moment Missed

Yesterday was another moment missed in the lives of Erica's daughters.  I couldn't help but think about the significance of the day.  It's sad because even though we move on with our everyday lives these special moments are always going to be hard.  It also depends on who's perspective you're looking at.  Everyone is affected in different ways.  Moments that don't affect me may have a profound affect on my parents, brother, or Erica's friends.  Each of us grieve Erica and have been impacted by her death in different ways.

For me, one thing that I have learned through losing my sister, is that you never truly understand the impact someone else has on your life until they are no longer here.  It's too easy to get wrapped up in our own lives to realize the value each relationship have to us.  Now, each moment missed I am reminded that I should have taken the time, when I had it, to make the best of our time together.  Another moment missed and another lesson learned too late.       

Missing Moments

The last thing a young parent wants to think about is missing moments of their children's lives because of their unexpected death.  Unfortunately reality doesn't care if you don't want to think about this issue, it can still happen.  The subject of missing moments was on my mind all weekend.  Erica's youngest daughter had a memorable event this past weekend and it breaks my heart that Erica missed it.  Each time her daughter's have a birthday or participate in a special event I'm reminded of these missing moments.  It's hard to get past the fairy tale of happily ever after and accept the reality that life is unpredictable and you may not like the hand you're dealt.  Life is made from one moment to the next and it's up to us to make those moments count. 

Missing My Sister

Erica & Andrea, 1979

Today I'm missing my sister.  I woke up thinking about her this morning and she's been on my mind ever since.  I constantly think about my nieces and how they miss their mother.  I know we were blessed to have Erica in our lives for thirty-four years but I still feel my nieces got short changed.  So many things will never be the same without her.  I'm missing my sister today and forever more.    

What I'll Miss About Erica

photo © 2004 [n|ck] | more info (via: Wylio)Erica's death was so sudden, for the first week, I just couldn't believe it.  The tears wouldn't stop, my heart ached, my stomach was sick, and I wanted it to be a bad dream.  Still as I write this today, tears are streaming down my face.  It's been twenty-six days.  I hate looking at calendars now.  The calendar reminds me of all the days we won't have together.

The shock is gone and reality has set in.  So I made a list of a few things I will miss about Erica:

• Her Smile
• Her Stubbornness
• Her Sarcastic Humor
• Her Dedication to her Daughters
• Her Willingness to Accept People for who they are
• Her Ability to Stand up for Herself
• Her Approach on Life

What will you miss about Erica?