Holiday Struggle

So, my holiday struggle began at the end of October. During this time of year I find myself missing my sister more than usual. The holidays are a hard reminder that she is gone. There are plenty of things in my life that I am thankful for but sometimes the heartache I feel during the holidays is hard to overcome. For me, the holidays are a reminder of what's missing in my life. My emotions during this time of year can be very stressful and sometimes overwhelming. It's a daily struggle to stay positive and be thankful for what I have. Since I don't have the option of skipping the holidays, all I can do is pray for strength.

Seeing a Rainbow

photo © 2008 Jeremy Austin | more info (via: Wylio)Grieving a loved one is a lot like weathering a storm.  When it's stormy outside and the sky is dark and gray it is tempting to crawl into bed and sleep the day away.  It is hard to face the emotions and feelings when a loved one leaves us.  Sometimes it seems easier to stay busy or distracted so we don't focus on the loss and feelings inside us.  What happens when we crawl in bed on these stormy days is we miss seeing a rainbow when the storm has lifted.  Your grief and emotions are like a violent storm in the beginning.  The storm wrecks your emotional foundation.  Eventually the sunshine starts to shine through the dark clouds.  As the clouds fade away the sunshine leaves a beautiful rainbow for all to see.  For me, seeing a rainbow gives me hope that God has a plan for me and the storm I experienced will prepare me for what lay ahead.  So, don't sleep through your rainbows, embrace them and God will embrace you. 

Scripture: For the Lord your God will bless you in all your harvest and in all the work of your hands, and your joy will be complete.
~Deuteronomy 16:15 NIV

Two Months

photo © 2008 Mary | more info (via: Wylio)Many different feelings and emotions have been felt over the last two months.  Several of these emotions were new to me.  I had days that I didn't know how I would get through, but I did.  By taking one day at a time my life is starting to resemble something I recognize.  However, when I stop to think about what two months have felt like I realize all the days, months, and years to come that we will be without Erica.  This makes me sad.  

This weekend I experienced a "sneak attack," I was in the car waiting on my husband when a song on the radio brought back a flood of feelings and memories.  That overwhelming feeling came over me.  It was a hard weekend.  With it being Mother's Day yesterday and the two month mark of our loss my heart was heavy with grief.  My feelings are more in control on a daily basis, but I think it is safe to say that you don't just wake up one day and all of the sudden feel better.  It is a gradual process and by the way, I still haven't pushed delete.

Sticks & Stones

photo © 2007 Mykl Roventine | more info (via: Wylio)

When I was in grade school it was a popular saying, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."  For a long time I felt this was true because mentally you can get through a lot.  Since Erica has passed away, I've changed my mind.  While cleaning out the contents of her life we came across a journal.  In this journal Erica expresses her unhappiness in relationships.  She felt like a lot of us do, she just wanted to be loved for who she was even if that included a couple of tattoos. 

There have been no sticks or stones thrown at me but Erica's words hurt.  She said nothing about me in her journal, and I'm fine with that.  The hurt comes from the fact that she was in so much emotional pain and I didn't know.  Was I that bad of a Sister that she didn't want to call me?  Did she think I wouldn't care?  When you say something hurtful while you're alive you have the chance to apologize.  I can't apologize to my Sister for the things I did or didn't do.  All that's left are regrets.

So the next time somebody tells you that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.  Just remember, it depends on what those words are and if you can ever take them back.     

The Day After

photo © 2003 [n|ck] | more info (via: Wylio)
















Erica's journey on this earth was over, however our struggles had just begun.  The emotional pain I felt grieving Erica was unlike any I had ever experienced.  The day after her death, my husband and I were at my parent's house trying to be helpful and make sense of what happened.  My parents had numerous visitors, family, friends, and neighbors stopped by to give us their condolences.  Many of them brought food and supplies to help us in our time of sorrow.  The hardest part was hearing my parents repeat the story over and over.  Erica was a huge part of my parents life.  Erica had gone through a divorce a couple of years ago, so she and her daughters moved in with my parents.  Erica's passing has left a gaping hole in their hearts and lives.  Watching my parents, brother, and family grieve was almost to much to handle.  The worry and stress about my nieces, who are six and thirteen, will be a daily battle for a long time.

Did you know that your emotions can make you nauseous?  We had all this food around us and nothing sounded good.  My stomach was sick and my heart hurt.  I didn't have a plan for this.