Defining a Good Life

Over the years I have lost many loved ones and acquaintances young and old. Through these experiences I have found one thing that puzzles me, the definition of a "good life". When someone young dies it's tragic and heart wrenching but when someone elderly passes away we find ourselves saying they lived a long "good life". Does being old define your life as being good? You could be a rotten scoundrel and die at 97 and people will still say you lived a "good life". Not because of the good deeds you did or didn't do, but because of the long life you lived. When someone dies young it's our reaction to feel cheated of the time we won't have together. We look at what we have lost and not the life that was lived. Therefore we define their death as tragic or unfair regardless of whether they lived a "good life". It seems unfair that age be the gauge by which our lives are defined as good because we truly don't know who has lived a "good life".  In the end I must conclude that a "good life" is really not ours to define. 

Missing My Sister

I know it's been awhile since I've posted my thoughts/feelings about Grieving Erica. My grief still exists but the grief is manageable. There are still many mornings that I wake up thinking about her. I think of her everyday! This week leading up to the anniversary of her death is always hard. Today, she has been on my mind a lot. Her laugh, her smile, her sense of humor, her candid words, the list could go on for the things I miss about Erica. In summary, I miss my sister.

Haunting Thoughts

The mind works in mysterious ways and mine is no exception.  I've mentioned before that I never saw my sister after she died.  However, my mind has created some haunting thoughts and images that I can't get rid of.  Images of Erica's body lying in the hospital after she died, the morgue, and finally the cremation process.  I'll be laying in bed before I go to sleep and these images appear in my mind.  Maybe it's the fear of the unknown or watching too many Body of Proof episodes.  Whatever it is, these haunting thoughts are keeping me up at night. 

Thoughts of Erica

photo © 2010 jon smith | more info (via: Wylio)When waking this morning thoughts of Erica were on my mind.  My thought was how I wish I would have talked to her on the day she died.  My thoughts go back to the events of that day.  There are certain things that still plague me about Erica's death.  I want to know if she was scared or in pain.  Was she worried she was going to die?  These are things I will never know.  My thoughts of Erica remind me of how precious each day is.  This is something I had forgotten and took for granted.  May my lesson be yours without the tragedy of loss.

Quote:    We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow. ~Fulton Oursler    

The Guilt Phase

photo © 2009 Jan-Joost Verhoef | more info (via: Wylio)Shortly after Erica's death I started to feel guilty.  This guilt phase only lasted a couple of weeks but I still have a random feeling of guilt every once in awhile.  Here is the rant/thoughts that would go off in my head.  It didn't seem right that I get to live and watch Erica's daughters grow up and she lost her life.  Why Erica?  I don't have children.  So why not me?  Is God trying to teach me a lesson?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  Even though I know her death had nothing to do with me, these irrational thoughts and guilt would appear.

In my head I was trying to rationalize my loss.  On a daily basis I try to make logical, planned and safe decisions.  Erica's death wasn't logical to me.  She had an allergic reaction, she got to the hospital, why couldn't they save her?  I want a logical explanation.

Even though the guilt phase is over I still have nagging thoughts that plague me.  Some of these thoughts are rational and others irrational.  I'm doing my best to make sense of each one and work through it.  I'm okay with saying that my healing is still a work in progress.