Tuesday, May 24, 2011

The Guilt Phase

photo © 2009 Jan-Joost Verhoef | more info (via: Wylio)Shortly after Erica's death I started to feel guilty.  This guilt phase only lasted a couple of weeks but I still have a random feeling of guilt every once in awhile.  Here is the rant/thoughts that would go off in my head.  It didn't seem right that I get to live and watch Erica's daughters grow up and she lost her life.  Why Erica?  I don't have children.  So why not me?  Is God trying to teach me a lesson?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  Even though I know her death had nothing to do with me, these irrational thoughts and guilt would appear.

In my head I was trying to rationalize my loss.  On a daily basis I try to make logical, planned and safe decisions.  Erica's death wasn't logical to me.  She had an allergic reaction, she got to the hospital, why couldn't they save her?  I want a logical explanation.

Even though the guilt phase is over I still have nagging thoughts that plague me.  Some of these thoughts are rational and others irrational.  I'm doing my best to make sense of each one and work through it.  I'm okay with saying that my healing is still a work in progress. 

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