Nine Years

No amount of time takes the sadness away! Today marks nine years since Erica passed away and although I have accepted her death the sadness is still there. Three months ago our younger brother passed away and it's been very difficult for me. I'm just devastated! The sadness can be overwhelming at times and the tears just haven't stopped. I thought I did an okay job coping with Erica's death. It took many years before I could say I had accepted her death. The circumstances with my brother's death is completely different and I find myself struggling. Nine years have come and gone and new grieving challenges have begun.  

Here We Go Again

My heart is breaking again! Last Tuesday my family watched my brother take his last breath. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Unlike my sister's passing which was sudden and unexpected, we knew my brother was sick. We thought we had more time, maybe a month, but he took a turn for the worse and passed away on our mother's birthday. The anger and guilt have resurfaced and another journey of grief begun. 

Daily Sadness

Many more birthdays and anniversaries of Erica's death have come and gone since my last post. There is still a daily sadness without her here and many moments I wish we could share together. I started this blog as a form of therapy to help deal with my grief and it did help. There became a point that I no longer needed to write me feelings down but the daily sadness is still here. A permanent hole was created the day she passed away and so far I haven't found anything that fills it. When death takes a loved one it takes more than their being here with us. It takes away all the things we were going to or might do and it's replaced by what we wished we would have done. The phone calls I never made and the occasions that were passed on become hard to ignore. Even though I know there is nothing that changes the outcome I still wish I would have been a better sister. 😒

Another Empty Bed

It's been a while since I've posted anything on this blog. Grieving Erica was still a challenge during the holidays but my grief for my sister was over shadowed by our concern for our beloved pet orange/red tabby. He had been sick since Labor Day weekend when his kidney levels spiked off the charts and we almost lost him. The emergency vet clinic was able to stabilize him and over the following months his kidney levels (creatinine and BUN levels) went back to his previous normal. We were feeling relived and then recently he took a turn for the worse. We could tell his breathing was getting short and frequent and we became concerned. We took him to our vet and they did an x-ray and ultrasound and they discovered he had fluid on and in his lungs. At this point we became increasing concerned. Within a week his breathing became more labored and he was beginning to get weak. Our vets referred us to a internal medicine vet who has a better ultrasound machine. He did a needle biopsy of the fluid on his lung and did another x-ray. The news came back that he had cancer. The vets didn't recommend surgery for him because of his decreased kidney function and they didn't feel he would survive the surgery. From the Friday 12/27/2013, that we learned the diagnosis to the Monday 12/30/2013, it was painfully clear this was the end for our buddy. Our home now has Another Empty Bed where he loved to sun himself. Now that he is gone our house feels empty and my hubby and I are overwhelmed with sadness and tears. One of my favorite quotes about cats rings true at the moment...

"I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little they become it's visible soul." ~Jean Cocteau

 That bright spot at the start and end of our day is gone and it's something that can never be replaced. Our buddy is forever in our hearts.

April 2001 - December 30, 2013

Grieving Hearts

It seems everywhere I look these days there is a headline about violence and death. I know that wherever there is death, there is grieving hearts. Families and friends mourning the unexpected loss of their loved ones. In my life I've experienced the expected death of a loved one and the unexpected death that sends your emotions on a roller coaster. It isn't something you wish others to feel. The shock, nausea and overwhelming grief from the unexpected death is a feeling I can't explain. What I find so sad, is a lot of these deaths are from random acts of violence carried out on innocent victims. Victims who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and lost their lives because of it. There is a lot I don't understand about random violence but I do know that it creates too many unnecessary grieving hearts.

If you find yourself at my blog because your heart is grieving, know that there are sunnier days ahead. What seems impossible to get through today will eventually get better. I don't mean that things will go back to your previous normal. The normal we once knew is forever changed. My heart still grieves for my sister and I know it always will. Her presence in my life is gone. I will always have a grieving heart.

 

Lesson in Grief

There is a saying that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".   After my great grandpa Skeet passed away last February I honesty didn't think I would be able to handle losing a close relative.  In fact the exact thought in my head was "Dear God I'm not ready to lose any of my family".  Two weeks later my sister passed away.  I struggled with this for a very long time.  I somehow felt it was my fault that my sister died because I had that thought.  I felt God was trying to show me something.  Was he giving me a lesson in grief?  Had I tempted fate?  I had a very hard time believing that God would take a mother of two beautiful girls just to give me a lesson in grief.  It took me several months to work through the guilt and blame that came with my thought.  I choose to believe that my thought came with very bad timing and God didn't punish my sister just to teach me a lesson in grief.  In the end whether I was ready to lose a close relative or not, it still happened.  The days that I didn't know how I would get through them, I did.  Losing my sister showed me I was stronger than I thought I was.  A lesson in grief that will never be forgotten. 

The Call

There are numerous things that I forget on a daily basis but the call I received about my sister's death is burned into my memory.  Nothing prepares you for the call about a loved one passing.  It's safe to say that we had no family plan on what to do when an unexpected death occurred.  I realized that my phone list was seriously out of date.  I didn't know who I should call or what I should do.  I didn't want to call people on their cellphones because I didn't know what they would be doing.  I live over two hours away from my parents and I knew that the loss of my sister was devastating to everyone.  Getting the call sent my system into a grief induced nausea anxiety attack.  I was immediately sick to my stomach and felt like I was going to hyperventilate. The day we lost Erica is burned into my memory.  I may forget where I put my car keys but I know exactly what happened on Tuesday, March 8, 2011.  

Grieving at Christmas

As we approach Christmas without Erica, many other families are doing the same.  Whether you lost a loved one many years ago, nine months ago, or last week, grieving at Christmas can make the holiday challenging.  The sorrow I feel in my heart can easily overtake my Christmas spirit.  It has been a struggle to push forward and enjoy the holiday routine that I've had in previous years.  But, I'm doing it.  One step at a time.  I may be grieving at Christmas and things will never be the same but I will take the leap and dive into Christmas head first.

Quote:  May Peace be your gift at Christmas and your blessing all year through! ~Author Unknown

The Empty Bed

Ms. Precious had several favorite places to lay around the house.  One spot in particular was her favorite, the cat bed we placed on a box in front of a window.  The empty bed makes me sad.  Every morning and afternoon you could find her there.  She would watch the birds and warm her old bones in the sun.  She loved it there.  The empty bed is symbolic of the empty place she left in my heart. 

The Empty Bed

We went through a lot together.  I was a senior in high school when she came into my life.  I went to college and through the years many people came and left my life, but she was always there.  When I was sad, she was there.  When I was happy, she was there.  She had the sweetest disposition and was my bright spot in a lot of dark days.  The empty bed is the end of a twenty year chapter of my life and what a great chapter it was!  

Precious on her bed 12/13/2011

No Word

Many years back I was teaching an Applied Psychology class.  It was during this time that I had a student who lost an infant child.  During the course and conversation, I realized there was no word for a parent who lost a child to death.  When a husband/wife loses a spouse they become a widower.  When a child loses their parents they are an orphan.  When a parent loses a child there is no word.  The situation is almost unspeakable. 

In my life, I'm not a parent.  I've had friends who's child have died suddenly.  I know that I was at a loss for words when this happened.  So many people can't relate or don't want to think about losing a child that we as a society still have no word to describe the situation.  My heart goes out to my parents.  Although I have lost my Sister, they lost their child and there is no word to describe their grief.

Unseen Wounds

photo © 2009 Adria Richards | more info (via: Wylio)When someone is injured or hurt there is usually visible signs.  A bandage signifies a cut, crutches for a hurt leg, and a cast for a broken arm, all of these are visible signs of a wound.  Grief is different, the unseen wounds we walk around with go unnoticed but are just as painful.  I believe it is easy for people to forget that someone is grieving because of these unseen wounds.  We look fine and we have no obvious signs of hurt therefore we must be fine.  This couldn't be further from the truth. 

I hope that others realize that my nieces wounds may not show for years to come.  The wounds of losing their mother may compound over time or new wounds open as they age and miss their mother.  Their unseen wounds may affect them in many different ways.  They will need the love and support of their family and friends for years to come.

Everyday we encounter others with unseen wounds.   It's easy to tell when someone stops using cruthes, gets their cast off, or removes a bandage, you can tell they are healed.  Just remember that the wounds of grief may go unseen.

Daily Reminders

photo © 2009 Dean Morley | more info (via: Wylio)This week I took a trip to see my nieces and parents.  While staying at my parent's house I was able to see the daily reminders they have to deal with concerning Erica.  One reminder was waking up to phone calls for Erica and having to hear my Mom say that Erica had passed away.  Apparently this happens quite often.  Another reminder came in the afternoon when we retrieved the mail.  There were a couple of items addressed to Erica.  This brought to my attention that my parents have many more daily reminders to prolong their grief than I do.  My Mom still has to deal with all the loose ends that came with Erica's death, sending in death certificates and phone calls.  This insight into my parent's life made me realize how hard these daily reminders are for them.          

Road to Healing

photo © 2009 hitachiota | more info (via: Wylio)On the road to healing I've set my speed on cruise.  My trip of grieving Erica has reached the open road.  For now I feel the mountains are behind me.  It has been a struggle for me to accept this change in our family.  Even though we didn't see each other very much, she was an intricate part of my life.  We shared a bedroom growing up, then in college we lived together for awhile.  In our adult lives our responsibilities and priorities differed but I knew she was there.  Her sudden death put my car in a tailspin.  It will be four months tomorrow and I've needed everyday to recover and find my way back to the road to healing.  With the cruise set my trip continues.

Waves of Grief

photo © 2007 Stacy Herbert | more info (via: Wylio)Visiting with my Mom this evening we were talking about how we have waves of grief for Erica.  There are certain times that are worse than others.  Tuesdays continue to be hard for me, especially around dinner when I received the phone call.  My Mom shared that she has a hard time in the morning when she would usually see Erica before work.  Her daily routine has been altered and this triggers her grief.

These waves of grief can be brought on by a "sneak attack" or a memory.  Erica's sudden death is making the acceptance phase of grief harder for me.  It's like a flood washed away my house and I'm trying to build it back piece by piece.  The rebuilding takes place everyday but the process is slow.  But like the saying goes, slow and steady wins the race.  As long as we continue to make progress we will emerge stronger than before.  

Coping Mechanisms

photo © 2006 Steve Cadman | more info (via: Wylio)There is an element of human nature in trying to protect ourselves.  When something is harmful or hurtful we try to fight back and protect ourselves the best we can.  One way to protect ourselves is using coping mechanisms.  I have to admit when I first started grieving Erica I was tempted to pretend she took a vacation to Hawaii and decided not to come back.  It might have made things easier for awhile.  But I knew this would be a denial of reality which is a coping mechanism.  In denial one refuses to believe a hurtful or threatening event or circumstance.  Eventually I would have to face the fact that my Sister is gone.  So I chose to write my blog instead.

To learn more about coping mechanisms visit the following link: coping mechanisms.

Quote:  Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.  ~Henry Ford

Grief is Everywhere

photo © 2007 Dr. Wendy Longo | more info (via: Wylio)When thinking about the subject of grief, and talking to others about my loss, I've been reminded that grief is everywhere and it comes in many forms.  Grief can come from many places, a death of a loved one, a divorce, an illness, losing a job, from being abused, and from personal struggles we encounter on a daily basis.  Grieving Erica has made me more aware of the people around me.  My family, friends, colleagues and students whom I'm around all the time, many of them have grief in their lives. 

It is very easy to become self-absorbed in our modern society.  We are taught from an early age that the only ones that can help us is ourselves.  Somewhere along the way our compassion for others has disappeared.  But every single one of us at some point will need the comfort and support from someone else.  We walk past people everyday who are hurting.  Do we treat them kindly or do we walk the other way?  Our actions matter, because grief is everywhere.

Quote:  There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. ~Author Unknown  

The Sneak Attack

photo © 2010 Andreas Firyn | more info (via: Wylio)

One thing I've noticed as time goes bye, is that I will be having a pretty good day and then smack, something happens to trigger a memory and the tears start to roll.  I call this the sneak attack.  These sneak attacks happen out of the clear blue.  The other day I was shopping at Target and my day had been tear free.  I get to the checkout line and the girl at the registers name is Erica.  Something simple like a name tag made me shed a few tears.

When dealing with grief I've noticed that everyone handles things differently.  The sneak attacks that bother me may have no affect on someone else.  I think it goes back to the relationship and circumstances surrounding your loved ones passing.  The difference with these two components may make grieving easier or harder for each person connected to an individual who's passed away. 

There is no magic formula to keep the sneak attacks at bay.  I imagine with time they will happen less frequently however, I doubt that they will completely stop.  My solution has been to find something positive and redirect my thoughts.  This too shall pass and tomorrow is another day.

The Nausea of Grief

photo © 2008 Pete Markham | more info (via: Wylio)

















For those out there who have never lost anyone close, there is more to your reaction than just tears.  I was immediately sick to my stomach.  The feeling of nausea took over my body.  From Tuesday when I heard the news through Wednesday, I barely ate anything.  By Thursday morning I was hungry but eating ended up being a bad idea.  I decided on a protein shake, I usually have one every morning.  I made my way to the kitchen, mixed up my protein shake, and down it went.  It tasted pretty good.  Within two minutes it was on my bedroom floor.  I couldn't even make it to the bathroom.  My husband, being the great guy he is, cleaned it up for me.  Now the tears started and I was a huge grief stricken mess.  I felt like the poor little sick kitty in the photo, helpless, sad, overwhelmed, and looking for answers.

The Day We Lost Erica

photo © 2008 Tambako The Jaguar | more info (via: Wylio)

The day we lost Erica, Tuesday March 8, 2011, started like any other day.  I went to work.  After work I did a little shopping and then went home.  About 5:00 PM I started making dinner for my husband.  My Mother calls about 5:10 PM and told me that Erica was having a difficult time breathing, and that they called an ambulance and she was headed to the hospital.  We talked for a little bit about her day, I reassured her Erica would be fine, and we hung up.  I continued making dinner, Sweet and Sour Meatballs.  I told myself Erica is strong she will be fine, she’s only 34, everything will be okay.  The phone rings again at 6:15PM and it’s my Mother.  Immediately I know it’s not fine.  She can hardly make out the words that Erica didn’t make it.  All I could say is it will be okay, I’m on my way.  I knew it wouldn’t be okay but I didn’t know what else to say.  At this point I’m hysterical and sick to my stomach.  My husband wasn’t home from work yet.  I felt out of control.  What had just happened?