With the first four months after Erica passed away behind us, we inch closer to the end of the year. All this talk of Christmas in July is getting to me. I have several issues with the holidays. The biggest issue is the one I created, my own personal Christmas conundrum. Five years ago I decided I wanted a baby. So I set a goal of getting pregnant by Christmas. Christmas came and I wasn't pregnant so I pushed it back a year. I will get pregnant by next Christmas. Well long story short I'm still not pregnant. This goal I set for myself has ruined the holidays for me. Everyone around me gets pregnant but not me. I can already feel the pre-holiday anxiety building. But this year is different. This year my Christmas conundrum is compounded by the absence of Erica. Last year I had a complete melt down and I'd really like to skip this year entirely. Let this be my notice to my family, this year my Christmas conundrum may be too much for me to handle.