Daily Reminders

photo © 2009 Dean Morley | more info (via: Wylio)This week I took a trip to see my nieces and parents.  While staying at my parent's house I was able to see the daily reminders they have to deal with concerning Erica.  One reminder was waking up to phone calls for Erica and having to hear my Mom say that Erica had passed away.  Apparently this happens quite often.  Another reminder came in the afternoon when we retrieved the mail.  There were a couple of items addressed to Erica.  This brought to my attention that my parents have many more daily reminders to prolong their grief than I do.  My Mom still has to deal with all the loose ends that came with Erica's death, sending in death certificates and phone calls.  This insight into my parent's life made me realize how hard these daily reminders are for them.          

Time

photo © 2011 Janet Ramsden | more info (via: Wylio)
It has been said that time is a great healer.  With the passing of everyday I'm finding that it is easier to move on.  Part of me still feels that it's unfair how little time Erica had with her daughters.  I just feel they were cheated from life with their mother.  When I share the story of what happened to Erica I find that people with young children find it very disturbing.  Nobody likes to think about one day no longer being there for their children.  Time is promised to no one.  I've always had a vision of what I wanted my life to be.  With Erica gone my vision has changed and change doesn't always come easy for me.  For now time marches on.

Soul Searching

photo © 2006 Börkur Sigurbjörnsson | more info (via: Wylio)Many lessons have been learned or reemphasized with Erica passing.  I have found myself doing a lot of soul searching in the last four months.  It is very easy to become complacent in life and continue along the safe routes, when really we should be rocking our boats.  I've asked myself a couple of questions:

• Am I making a difference is someones life?
• Will I leave this earth better than it was when I arrived?
• Do I make a positive impact on those around me?

I believe each of us are a work in progress and we should constantly strive to be better.  This concept of better has nothing to do with money but everything to do with ethics, values, and morals.  In the soul that answers the call for me, what will the Great Judge find?  This soul searching has me moving my life in a different direction.  So, I'm rocking my boat.

No Report

photo © 2009 James Whitesmith | more info (via: Wylio)It has been surprising to me how long it takes to get the medical examiner's report.  It has been four months and still no report.  I guess it's a good thing they're not a for profit business, if they were they would have to file for bankruptcy.  Their lack of speed and urgency is really upsetting.  I guess they figure that since our loved one is dead that time is not a factor.  I guess they don't realize or care that this simply prolongs our grieving process.  If it took me four months to turn a report in to my boss, I would be fired.  Maybe I expect too much from a state run institution.  We're still waiting!

Four Months

photo © 2008 Robert Nunnally | more info (via: Wylio)It has been four months since Erica passed away.  You could also say it has been one quarter of a year or 122 days, however you want to look at it.  Time has eased the emotional pain but I still find myself thinking "I can't believe she's gone".  There is forever a void in our lives that time cannot heal.  The emotional pain improves with time but the void will always be there.  I only had one sister and nobody can take her place.  Losing Erica definitely made me reevaluate the condition of the relationships in my life.  People spend so much time and energy complaining about the people and things in their lives that they can't change that they forget to appreciate what they have.  Focusing on the positive and embracing what you love about someone is more effective than being negative.  Life can change in an instant; losing Erica made this saying reality to me.  In the last four months my outlook on life has changed and many lessons learned.  Lessons learned the hard way.    

Road to Healing

photo © 2009 hitachiota | more info (via: Wylio)On the road to healing I've set my speed on cruise.  My trip of grieving Erica has reached the open road.  For now I feel the mountains are behind me.  It has been a struggle for me to accept this change in our family.  Even though we didn't see each other very much, she was an intricate part of my life.  We shared a bedroom growing up, then in college we lived together for awhile.  In our adult lives our responsibilities and priorities differed but I knew she was there.  Her sudden death put my car in a tailspin.  It will be four months tomorrow and I've needed everyday to recover and find my way back to the road to healing.  With the cruise set my trip continues.

Erica & Fireworks

photo © 2008 bayasaa | more info (via: Wylio)
In a previous post I mentioned how Erica was the daredevil of our family.  This was definitely the case when it came to Fourth of July festivities.  She always enjoyed watching and setting off fireworks.  When she was old enough she wanted to light the fireworks herself.  I think she liked the thrill of running away before it went off.  So as you light fireworks this weekend take a minute to remember Erica, and light one for her.