I Survived

I survived the Thanksgiving holiday.  Last minute changes with my nieces schedules allowed them to spend the holiday with us.  It was wonderful to be able to spend time with them.  I survived seeing extended family and having five days off with my husband.  This means I'm halfway through the holidays.  I will continue my positive strategy through the first of the year.  When we reach the New Year, I will be able to say I survived the holidays!

Being Thankful

As we approach the Thanksgiving holiday tomorrow, I'm trying to look past the grief and focus on being thankful.  Grieving Erica will be difficult during the holidays.  The positive in my life is easy to lose focus on at times.  Being thankful for the blessings in my life may be the only thing that pulls me through the holidays.  Here are my three tips to stay positive during the holidays:

• Find three positive things in your life that you are thankful for and stand in front of a mirror first thing in the morning and tell yourself three positive affirmations.  Repeat these affirmations at bedtime.
• Avoid negative people and negative conversations.
• Give yourself a break, don't commit to holiday functions that will add stress to your life.

While I have found no magic formula for staying positive, I do know that negativity is the quickest way to ruin your day, week, month, or year.  Being thankful for what we have and not focusing on what we don't, is easy to say but harder to practice.  I will take each day at a time, focusing on being thankful and being positive.

Still NO Report

It has been eight months since Erica passed away and the medical examiner's office is still not completed with their report.  We were told that all reports are finished within six months.  This has proven to be untrue.  It has really made me wonder how reliable the medical examiner's report will be. 

Again, there is a false reality that the medical examiner determines the cause of death before they release the body.  Nobody has told my family that Erica, for sure, died from an allergic reaction to medication.  The media knew the cause of death for Austin Box within a couple of months, and he died after my Sister.  How can one case be released within two months and another case still open after eight.

Our family needs closure!  With the holidays coming up this is another cloud looming over our lives.  Grieving families shouldn't have to keep calling the medical examiner's office week after week.  No report after eight months is simply unacceptable! 

Eight Months

Over the last eight months grieving Erica, time has eased the day to day emotional pain.  My days are back to normal most of the time.  But sitting here on a Tuesday on the eighth month after her death, the sadness is persistent.  The day is rainy and the sky is gloomy which seem to mirror how I feel inside.  There are still times when I find myself thinking it just doesn't seem possible.  How could this have happened?

Eight months is just a fraction of time when I think about the many years ahead without my Sister.  There were times I didn't agree with what she did and times she wasn't happy with me, but we were Sisters.  That's a term I don't get to use anymore.  It's all past tense and eight months isn't long enough to get used to that. 

Quote: “To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.”  

 ~ Erich Fromm

Unanswered Questions

There will forever be unanswered questions I have for my Sister.  I really never thought about the questions I had for Erica until I no longer had the chance to ask.  Over the last few months I have found myself coming up with random questions that I would have liked to ask her.  One silly question would be where her attraction to bald men came from?  A more serious question would be what role would she want me to have in her daughter's lives if something happened to her?  I can imagine what she might say but, unanswered questions they will forever be.       

The Dread

The fun of Halloween is over and now the dread is setting in.  The dread of the upcoming holiday season.  I used to love the holidays but over the last five years that love has turned into a serious case of dread.  All the planning and coordinating of schedules, followed by dealing with "family" that I would rather avoid can be taxing.  This year I can add to the mix the death of my sister and the dread is compounded.  I wish I had a skip button that would allow me to bypass the holidays altogether.  Simply writing this paragraph has me in tears.  So, here is my second warning that this year the holidays may be too much for me to handle.

Halloween Memories



Andrea, Stephen, and Erica at Halloween 1984

Throughout the day I found myself thinking about Halloweens of the past.  Growing up we lived in the country and the only trick-or-treaters we received was family.  Every year my mother would make our Halloween costumes, some were elaborate and others simple.  We dressed up for school and many years the school had a Halloween carnival.  If the weather was good we would load up into the car and drive into town to trick-or-treat.  It was always a big deal to us country kids.  All these Halloween memories were made with my sister.  So tonight wouldn't be complete without a post in my blog about my Halloween memories.  Happy Halloween!