Missing Moments

The last thing a young parent wants to think about is missing moments of their children's lives because of their unexpected death.  Unfortunately reality doesn't care if you don't want to think about this issue, it can still happen.  The subject of missing moments was on my mind all weekend.  Erica's youngest daughter had a memorable event this past weekend and it breaks my heart that Erica missed it.  Each time her daughter's have a birthday or participate in a special event I'm reminded of these missing moments.  It's hard to get past the fairy tale of happily ever after and accept the reality that life is unpredictable and you may not like the hand you're dealt.  Life is made from one moment to the next and it's up to us to make those moments count. 

Joined in Heaven

Today my grandpa Andy and my sister were joined in Heaven by our lifelong neighbor and friend Travis Grayson.  Travis was a kind and warm hearted man who could always make me smile.  I grew up across the street from his farm where he raised cattle and the occasional pony.  I was one of the lucky ones who was given permission to fish at his amazing ponds.  My grandpa and Travis were great friends who would help each other with farm projects and shared farm equipment.  When my grandpa passed away it helped knowing Travis was still around.  My heart is heavy for our loss of a truly great man, but I rejoice in knowing that joined in Heaven are great friends who are catching up on old times.    

Quote: "Unable are the loved to die. For love is immortality". ~Emily Dickinson

The Easter Reminder

This was the second Easter without my sister.  I know every year I will experience the Easter reminder.  The celebration of Easter reminds me that because Jesus gave the ultimate sacrifice for our sins we shall have eternity together.  Although Erica has left her earthly body, her spirit is alive.  The Easter reminder should be a daily reminder of God's love for each of us. 

John 3:16 - “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life".

Accepting Death

Through my experience of grieving Erica some of the information I have read talked about accepting death.  One of the hardest parts of the grief process, for me, is getting to the point where I can accept that Erica is gone.  Accepting death?  When I look back at all the loved one's who have passed and the time it took me to accept their death, there is a big difference.  There are several factors that make it harder to accept Erica's death.  The majority of the relatives I've lost have been related to a long term illness or known health problems.  When you know a loved one is sick you can start grieving before they pass.  You can say your goodbyes and start the acceptance phase of grief.  The unexpected nature of my sisters passing sent my emotions into a tailspin.  The shock and adjustments that our family experienced has made accepting death more difficult.  

Can I say today that I have accepted Erica's death?  The answer is no, I haven't.  But, I am working on it.  I'm continuing to take it one day at a time.  Accepting death is a process and for me the process continues.

Quote: “One has to accept pain as a condition of existence. One has to court doubt and darkness as the cost of knowing. One needs a will stubborn in conflict, but apt always to the total acceptance of every consequence of living and dying.”  ~Morris West

Blogging as Therapy

When my sister passed away I knew it was going to be hard for me.  I knew several friends that sought counseling after a divorce or a death in their lives.  Keeping a journal was one therapy tool that many of them used to cope with their feelings.  I decided to use blogging as therapy.  I knew it would help me process my thoughts and my family and friends could read my posts.  I know a blog about death and grieving is not the most popular but for my purpose it has helped me cope with my loss.  The one thing that binds us all together is that nobody is immune to loss.  Each of us deals with loss in our own way and I hope my blog will help others realize that their not alone in their pain.  Death can be hard to talk about and I knew I didn't want to internalize my feelings.  Blogging as therapy has worked for me.  There is some comfort in knowing that when my nieces are old enough and they want to read my feelings about losing their mother my blog will be here for them.

       

Lesson in Grief

There is a saying that "God doesn't give you more than you can handle".   After my great grandpa Skeet passed away last February I honesty didn't think I would be able to handle losing a close relative.  In fact the exact thought in my head was "Dear God I'm not ready to lose any of my family".  Two weeks later my sister passed away.  I struggled with this for a very long time.  I somehow felt it was my fault that my sister died because I had that thought.  I felt God was trying to show me something.  Was he giving me a lesson in grief?  Had I tempted fate?  I had a very hard time believing that God would take a mother of two beautiful girls just to give me a lesson in grief.  It took me several months to work through the guilt and blame that came with my thought.  I choose to believe that my thought came with very bad timing and God didn't punish my sister just to teach me a lesson in grief.  In the end whether I was ready to lose a close relative or not, it still happened.  The days that I didn't know how I would get through them, I did.  Losing my sister showed me I was stronger than I thought I was.  A lesson in grief that will never be forgotten. 

One Year

When Erica passed away on March 8, 2011 I honestly didn't know how our family would get through our loss.  Today marks one year since she passed away.  Everyone in our family has handled Erica's death in their own way.  My journey of grieving Erica was handled one day at a time.  With each passing day and then each passing month healing occurred.  Erica may no longer walk this earth but she lives on in our hearts.  Her legacy lives on in her daughter's and her beautiful smile lives on in the many pictures we cherish.   Day after day, month after month, and year after year I will not forget my sister.  One year of grieving is behind me, but standing before me is a lifetime without my sister.