Daily Sadness

Many more birthdays and anniversaries of Erica's death have come and gone since my last post. There is still a daily sadness without her here and many moments I wish we could share together. I started this blog as a form of therapy to help deal with my grief and it did help. There became a point that I no longer needed to write me feelings down but the daily sadness is still here. A permanent hole was created the day she passed away and so far I haven't found anything that fills it. When death takes a loved one it takes more than their being here with us. It takes away all the things we were going to or might do and it's replaced by what we wished we would have done. The phone calls I never made and the occasions that were passed on become hard to ignore. Even though I know there is nothing that changes the outcome I still wish I would have been a better sister. 😒

Five Years

 

This year on the fifth anniversary of Erica's death I find myself thinking about my nieces. My mother is still living and her mother is still alive, so it's hard to know how my nieces feel about the loss of their mother. It's not easy to visit with them about it because they don't want to talk about it. I just hope with each passing year as our memories fade and Erica's voice grows faint in our minds, that they know how much their mother loved them. Her girls meant the world to her!

Defining a Good Life

Over the years I have lost many loved ones and acquaintances young and old. Through these experiences I have found one thing that puzzles me, the definition of a "good life". When someone young dies it's tragic and heart wrenching but when someone elderly passes away we find ourselves saying they lived a long "good life". Does being old define your life as being good? You could be a rotten scoundrel and die at 97 and people will still say you lived a "good life". Not because of the good deeds you did or didn't do, but because of the long life you lived. When someone dies young it's our reaction to feel cheated of the time we won't have together. We look at what we have lost and not the life that was lived. Therefore we define their death as tragic or unfair regardless of whether they lived a "good life". It seems unfair that age be the gauge by which our lives are defined as good because we truly don't know who has lived a "good life".  In the end I must conclude that a "good life" is really not ours to define. 

Four Years

Another year passes and there are still times it doesn't feel real. I have moments when I pause and reflect on the fact that Erica is gone. There are situations I play back in my head and wish I could change. If only I had said this or done that, would things be different. What if other people who influenced Erica's life had made different choices, would it have made a difference.  Then I always come back to the reality that Erica is gone and that can't be changed. No matter how many times you wish things would have been different the reality is still the same. The reality that life is short and time continues on with or without us. If losing Erica has taught me anything it's to seize the day because you may not have tomorrow!

A Birthday Not Forgotten

It was a rainy day today and the dark and gloomy sky mirrored my feelings. Today my sister would have turned thirty-eight. Although she is no longer with us her birthday was not forgotten. It was a reminder to me to make sure you don't leave things unsaid and to seize the opportunities you have while you still have them. At any moment life can change and the time you thought you had is gone. I miss my sister!

Three Years

Today marks the third year of my sister's departure to heaven and the start of Grieving Erica. I still miss her every day and there are still many aspects of her death that bother me. Not knowing the cause of her anaphylaxis keeps me wondering how this could have happened. If we knew exactly why she had this reaction it wouldn't change the outcome but it would at least give us a reason. The not knowing why leaves me open to create my own reasons and I would rather have a real reason than some of my creative theories.

After three years, time has healed the daily anguish that grief causes but it hasn't healed all wounds. There will always be that ache in my heart and the tears falling from my eyes when I think about losing Erica. Life moves forward but there was a part of our family lost on March 8, 2011 and that loss knows no time.

Another Empty Bed

It's been a while since I've posted anything on this blog. Grieving Erica was still a challenge during the holidays but my grief for my sister was over shadowed by our concern for our beloved pet orange/red tabby. He had been sick since Labor Day weekend when his kidney levels spiked off the charts and we almost lost him. The emergency vet clinic was able to stabilize him and over the following months his kidney levels (creatinine and BUN levels) went back to his previous normal. We were feeling relived and then recently he took a turn for the worse. We could tell his breathing was getting short and frequent and we became concerned. We took him to our vet and they did an x-ray and ultrasound and they discovered he had fluid on and in his lungs. At this point we became increasing concerned. Within a week his breathing became more labored and he was beginning to get weak. Our vets referred us to a internal medicine vet who has a better ultrasound machine. He did a needle biopsy of the fluid on his lung and did another x-ray. The news came back that he had cancer. The vets didn't recommend surgery for him because of his decreased kidney function and they didn't feel he would survive the surgery. From the Friday 12/27/2013, that we learned the diagnosis to the Monday 12/30/2013, it was painfully clear this was the end for our buddy. Our home now has Another Empty Bed where he loved to sun himself. Now that he is gone our house feels empty and my hubby and I are overwhelmed with sadness and tears. One of my favorite quotes about cats rings true at the moment...

"I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little they become it's visible soul." ~Jean Cocteau

 That bright spot at the start and end of our day is gone and it's something that can never be replaced. Our buddy is forever in our hearts.

April 2001 - December 30, 2013