No Report

photo © 2009 James Whitesmith | more info (via: Wylio)It has been surprising to me how long it takes to get the medical examiner's report.  It has been four months and still no report.  I guess it's a good thing they're not a for profit business, if they were they would have to file for bankruptcy.  Their lack of speed and urgency is really upsetting.  I guess they figure that since our loved one is dead that time is not a factor.  I guess they don't realize or care that this simply prolongs our grieving process.  If it took me four months to turn a report in to my boss, I would be fired.  Maybe I expect too much from a state run institution.  We're still waiting!

Four Months

photo © 2008 Robert Nunnally | more info (via: Wylio)It has been four months since Erica passed away.  You could also say it has been one quarter of a year or 122 days, however you want to look at it.  Time has eased the emotional pain but I still find myself thinking "I can't believe she's gone".  There is forever a void in our lives that time cannot heal.  The emotional pain improves with time but the void will always be there.  I only had one sister and nobody can take her place.  Losing Erica definitely made me reevaluate the condition of the relationships in my life.  People spend so much time and energy complaining about the people and things in their lives that they can't change that they forget to appreciate what they have.  Focusing on the positive and embracing what you love about someone is more effective than being negative.  Life can change in an instant; losing Erica made this saying reality to me.  In the last four months my outlook on life has changed and many lessons learned.  Lessons learned the hard way.    

Road to Healing

photo © 2009 hitachiota | more info (via: Wylio)On the road to healing I've set my speed on cruise.  My trip of grieving Erica has reached the open road.  For now I feel the mountains are behind me.  It has been a struggle for me to accept this change in our family.  Even though we didn't see each other very much, she was an intricate part of my life.  We shared a bedroom growing up, then in college we lived together for awhile.  In our adult lives our responsibilities and priorities differed but I knew she was there.  Her sudden death put my car in a tailspin.  It will be four months tomorrow and I've needed everyday to recover and find my way back to the road to healing.  With the cruise set my trip continues.

Erica & Fireworks

photo © 2008 bayasaa | more info (via: Wylio)
In a previous post I mentioned how Erica was the daredevil of our family.  This was definitely the case when it came to Fourth of July festivities.  She always enjoyed watching and setting off fireworks.  When she was old enough she wanted to light the fireworks herself.  I think she liked the thrill of running away before it went off.  So as you light fireworks this weekend take a minute to remember Erica, and light one for her. 

She is Gone Poem

photo © 2007 Pamela Carls | more info (via: Wylio)

The following poem was left in the comments section of my blog this week.  However, it is too beautiful to hide there.  The words touched my heart as I hope they do yours.

She Is Gone

You can shed tears that she is gone

Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her

Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Written 1981

David Harkins 1959 -

Silloth, Cumbria, UK

Waves of Grief

photo © 2007 Stacy Herbert | more info (via: Wylio)Visiting with my Mom this evening we were talking about how we have waves of grief for Erica.  There are certain times that are worse than others.  Tuesdays continue to be hard for me, especially around dinner when I received the phone call.  My Mom shared that she has a hard time in the morning when she would usually see Erica before work.  Her daily routine has been altered and this triggers her grief.

These waves of grief can be brought on by a "sneak attack" or a memory.  Erica's sudden death is making the acceptance phase of grief harder for me.  It's like a flood washed away my house and I'm trying to build it back piece by piece.  The rebuilding takes place everyday but the process is slow.  But like the saying goes, slow and steady wins the race.  As long as we continue to make progress we will emerge stronger than before.  

Thoughts of Erica

photo © 2010 jon smith | more info (via: Wylio)When waking this morning thoughts of Erica were on my mind.  My thought was how I wish I would have talked to her on the day she died.  My thoughts go back to the events of that day.  There are certain things that still plague me about Erica's death.  I want to know if she was scared or in pain.  Was she worried she was going to die?  These are things I will never know.  My thoughts of Erica remind me of how precious each day is.  This is something I had forgotten and took for granted.  May my lesson be yours without the tragedy of loss.

Quote:    We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow. ~Fulton Oursler