Dispatcher to Angels

photo © 2010 NOAA Photo Library | more info (via: Wylio)When I look back at all the tragedy since Erica's death, I can't help but think, God needed her expertise.  I know she was good at her job as a Dispatcher for the Norman Communications Division of the Police Department.  She worked there for almost nine years.  She never complained about her job and had many colleagues who thought very highly of her.  It makes me feel better to think of Erica as God's Dispatcher to Angels.  Take a look at the list of natural disasters, starting three days after Erica passed away.

•  Magnitude 8.9 earthquake & tsunami devastating Japan- 10,000+ deaths-March 11
• 40ft section of California Highway falls into Pacific Ocean-March 16
• Magnitude 3.5 earthquake - OFFSHORE NORTHERN CALIFORNIA-March 17
• Magnitude 6.5 earthquake- Vanuatu- March 17
• Magnitude 7.0 earthquake strikes northeastern Burma, 75 deaths-March 23
• Magnitude 6.8 earthquake hits Myanmar, Thailand, 70 deaths-March 23
• Magnitude 6.4 earthquake off the coast of Japan-March 25
• Magnitude 5.4 earthquake in South Sandwich Islands Region-April 1
• Magnitude 6.4 earthquake Fiji-April 3
• Magnitude 6.7 earthquake in South of Java, Indonesia-April 3
• Magnitude 6.5 earthquake hits Veracruz, Mexico-April 7
• Magnitude 7.4 earthquake hits shore of Japan-April 7
• Magnitude 6.5 and 6.2 earthquakes hit eastern Japan-April 11
• Deadly Tornadoes hit N. Carolina and Virginia, at least 47 dead-April 16
• A massive thunderstorm front spawned 137 tornadoes, killed at least 180 people, and mangled sections of Tuscaloosa, Birmingham, and Huntsville, Alabama-April
• Deadly Tornado hits Albany, New Zealand, at least 1 death-May 3
• Major Mississippi flooding, destroys many homes-May
• 6.5 Magnitude Earthquake hits Papua New Guinea, Tsunami warning-May 15
• Iceland's Grimsvotn Volcano erupts, followed by small earthquakes-May 21
• Deadly Tornadoes hit Minneapolis-May 22
• Deadly Tornadoes hit Joplin, MO, at least 142 dead- May 22
• Deadly Tornadoes hits Oklahoma City and surrounding areas, 9 deaths-May 24

The number of people who have lost their lives over the last couple of months is staggering.  When I look at it from this perspective I feel certain God needed my Sister.  Erica received a promotion to Heaven, as God's Dispatcher to Angels. 

Words Went Unspoken

photo © 2011 T Kiya | more info (via: Wylio)Most humans crave companionship and love, I know I do.  We want the people in our lives to appreciate us and to wish us well.  The problem is the people in our lives get so busy they forget to express their feelings to the ones they love.  I was teaching a Sociology class for a couple of years and everytime I talked about single parenting I would think about Erica.  I knew she was battling some tough issues and I had a strong admiration for what she was doing, but I never called and told her I was proud of her.  Words Went Unspoken.   I think about times that I could have just said, " Erica I admire you for having the courage and strength to go to college full-time while raising two daughters and working full-time, I know it can't be easy."  But I didn't, I thought it in my head, but the words went unspoken.

It is easy to think you'll always have time to say something later, or do something for someone another day.  But one day no more chances will remain to say the words you want to say.  The words went unspoken and will stay that way. 

The Cemetery

Erica's Grave, Buried 5/28/2011

Growing up we lived on Cemetery Road and my parents still do.  We would frequently drive by the cemetery, Erica and I would be in the back seat.  My Dad would ask us, "how many people are dead in there?"  We would say "I don't know 200."  He would reply with "no sillies, all of them."  Or he would make cracks like "people are just dying to get in that place."  He was always trying to make us laugh.   

Driving by isn't the same when you have loved ones buried there.  Over the years I've had many relatives buried in the cemetery, but leaving Erica there was hard.  I pray she is at peace, and I pray my family finds comfort and strength through our loss.

Preparing Myself

photo © 2006 Shirl | more info (via: Wylio)When we initially lost Erica suddenly, I was in a state of shock.  Almost three months later that shock is long gone.  I am totally aware of what we have lost.  So I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for tomorrow. 

May my Guardian Angel be beside me, with her arms around me, giving me strength to get through the day.  I found this prayer.  I'm not Catholic but I thought it was appropriate.

"Angel of God, my guardian dear
To whom God's love commits me here;
Ever this day be at my side,
To light and guard, to rule and guide."
-Traditional Catholic Prayer

Burying Her Ashes

photo © 2006 Louise Docker | more info (via: Wylio)Erica's wishes were to be cremated.  I have to tell you that seeing the small box our bodies are reduced to sent chills through me.  This Saturday we are burying her ashes in the cemetery.  It has been hard for my parents to take this step.  I'm trying to prepare myself the best I can.  I know I'll have a lot of emotions resurface.  Burying her ashes is an important step in our road to healing.

 Prayer: In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our Sister Erica; and we commit her body to the ground; earth to earth; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless her and keep her, the Lord make his face to shine upon her and be gracious unto her and give her peace. Amen.  
~From the Book of Common Prayer. 

The Guilt Phase

photo © 2009 Jan-Joost Verhoef | more info (via: Wylio)Shortly after Erica's death I started to feel guilty.  This guilt phase only lasted a couple of weeks but I still have a random feeling of guilt every once in awhile.  Here is the rant/thoughts that would go off in my head.  It didn't seem right that I get to live and watch Erica's daughters grow up and she lost her life.  Why Erica?  I don't have children.  So why not me?  Is God trying to teach me a lesson?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  Even though I know her death had nothing to do with me, these irrational thoughts and guilt would appear.

In my head I was trying to rationalize my loss.  On a daily basis I try to make logical, planned and safe decisions.  Erica's death wasn't logical to me.  She had an allergic reaction, she got to the hospital, why couldn't they save her?  I want a logical explanation.

Even though the guilt phase is over I still have nagging thoughts that plague me.  Some of these thoughts are rational and others irrational.  I'm doing my best to make sense of each one and work through it.  I'm okay with saying that my healing is still a work in progress. 

Giving up Control

photo © 2006 Valorie Beaman | more info (via: Wylio)Control is a funny thing.  When everything is going great taking control is not hard.  When times get tough it is easier to seek someone else for help.  We also like to take credit when things are going well, and we like to blame others when things go wrong.  For me giving up control is a tough subject.  I've never been one to leave things up to chance.  I like to know what the plan is.  So learning to let go will take some adjusting on my part. 

For years I've made my own decisions concerning my life.  I would consider the pros and cons and make the decision that best suited my wants/needs.  Now as I'm searching for a new approach I feel a little lost.  How do you make the transition on giving up control?

I was thinking about the subject and I remembered a Bible scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6

Giving up Control is going to start with leaving  my path up to God.  I pray that  He will guide me on how to make the transition.  So today is the day that I am giving up control.