Four Years

Another year passes and there are still times it doesn't feel real. I have moments when I pause and reflect on the fact that Erica is gone. There are situations I play back in my head and wish I could change. If only I had said this or done that, would things be different. What if other people who influenced Erica's life had made different choices, would it have made a difference.  Then I always come back to the reality that Erica is gone and that can't be changed. No matter how many times you wish things would have been different the reality is still the same. The reality that life is short and time continues on with or without us. If losing Erica has taught me anything it's to seize the day because you may not have tomorrow!

A Birthday Not Forgotten

It was a rainy day today and the dark and gloomy sky mirrored my feelings. Today my sister would have turned thirty-eight. Although she is no longer with us her birthday was not forgotten. It was a reminder to me to make sure you don't leave things unsaid and to seize the opportunities you have while you still have them. At any moment life can change and the time you thought you had is gone. I miss my sister!

Three Years

Today marks the third year of my sister's departure to heaven and the start of Grieving Erica. I still miss her every day and there are still many aspects of her death that bother me. Not knowing the cause of her anaphylaxis keeps me wondering how this could have happened. If we knew exactly why she had this reaction it wouldn't change the outcome but it would at least give us a reason. The not knowing why leaves me open to create my own reasons and I would rather have a real reason than some of my creative theories.

After three years, time has healed the daily anguish that grief causes but it hasn't healed all wounds. There will always be that ache in my heart and the tears falling from my eyes when I think about losing Erica. Life moves forward but there was a part of our family lost on March 8, 2011 and that loss knows no time.

Another Empty Bed

It's been a while since I've posted anything on this blog. Grieving Erica was still a challenge during the holidays but my grief for my sister was over shadowed by our concern for our beloved pet orange/red tabby. He had been sick since Labor Day weekend when his kidney levels spiked off the charts and we almost lost him. The emergency vet clinic was able to stabilize him and over the following months his kidney levels (creatinine and BUN levels) went back to his previous normal. We were feeling relived and then recently he took a turn for the worse. We could tell his breathing was getting short and frequent and we became concerned. We took him to our vet and they did an x-ray and ultrasound and they discovered he had fluid on and in his lungs. At this point we became increasing concerned. Within a week his breathing became more labored and he was beginning to get weak. Our vets referred us to a internal medicine vet who has a better ultrasound machine. He did a needle biopsy of the fluid on his lung and did another x-ray. The news came back that he had cancer. The vets didn't recommend surgery for him because of his decreased kidney function and they didn't feel he would survive the surgery. From the Friday 12/27/2013, that we learned the diagnosis to the Monday 12/30/2013, it was painfully clear this was the end for our buddy. Our home now has Another Empty Bed where he loved to sun himself. Now that he is gone our house feels empty and my hubby and I are overwhelmed with sadness and tears. One of my favorite quotes about cats rings true at the moment...

"I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little they become it's visible soul." ~Jean Cocteau

 That bright spot at the start and end of our day is gone and it's something that can never be replaced. Our buddy is forever in our hearts.

April 2001 - December 30, 2013

Grieving Hearts

It seems everywhere I look these days there is a headline about violence and death. I know that wherever there is death, there is grieving hearts. Families and friends mourning the unexpected loss of their loved ones. In my life I've experienced the expected death of a loved one and the unexpected death that sends your emotions on a roller coaster. It isn't something you wish others to feel. The shock, nausea and overwhelming grief from the unexpected death is a feeling I can't explain. What I find so sad, is a lot of these deaths are from random acts of violence carried out on innocent victims. Victims who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and lost their lives because of it. There is a lot I don't understand about random violence but I do know that it creates too many unnecessary grieving hearts.

If you find yourself at my blog because your heart is grieving, know that there are sunnier days ahead. What seems impossible to get through today will eventually get better. I don't mean that things will go back to your previous normal. The normal we once knew is forever changed. My heart still grieves for my sister and I know it always will. Her presence in my life is gone. I will always have a grieving heart.

 

Done Trying to Rationalize

Losing a loved one brings about many thoughts and emotions. One problem I've struggled with while Grieving Erica is trying to rationalize her death. It seemed I wanted there to be a logical explanation for the question "why Erica?" I found myself thinking and wondering if things would be different if this, that, or the other wouldn't have happened. There had to be a good reason to take Erica away from her daughter's, family, and friends... right??? That's what I kept trying to figure out, but I'm done trying to rationalize Erica's death. If there was a "good" reason, then it shall not be mine to find. Looking for and trying to rationalize death is a futile quest. I have decided this is an area where my faith in God should be placed. I'm done trying to rationalize, my mind has found peace and I pray my family finds the same. 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33


 

Two Years

Today is the two year anniversary of my sister's death. I still think of her daily and continue to picture her in my mind so I don't forget the many precious memories. Time has helped and the initial shock is gone, but there are still days that it doesn't feel real. The idea that someone you love is here one minute and gone the next, was a hard life lesson to learn. I still haven't deleted Erica's cell phone number from mine. I decided it was something I wanted to keep in my life. The idea of erasing/deleting her name from my phone was just not an option for me. There are still tears shed and times I wish I could pick up the phone and hear her voice or send a text. I still have a hard time hearing other women talk about doing things with their sisters, it's a reminder of the loss in my life. Grieving Erica will be a lifelong journey. Two years have passed and progress made, but I still face the rest of my life without my sister.