Family

Sometime today I started thinking about the concept of family.  What truly is a family?  Even though I taught a Sociology class for a couple of years, I needed to remind myself of what I already know.  So when I arrived home I looked the word family up in the dictionary.  The American Heritage Dictionary defines "Family" as:

1. A fundamental social group in society consisting esp. of a man and woman and their offspring.
2. A group of persons sharing a common ancestry.
3. Lineage, esp. distinguished lineage.
4. All the members of a household under one roof.
5. A group of like things; class.

The definition and individuals interpretations, expectations, and perceptions can be quite different.  Our "ideas" of what we want our family to be like and how it really is can be complex.  Every individual in a family brings their own set of ideas, expectations and perceptions to the table.    One individual may want a close relationship while another likes to stand alone.  These differences can cause hurt feelings.  Circumstances, actions, and family history can leave lasting scars that are hard to overcome.  Families are not perfect! 

While teaching Sociology the one thing I would always say is this:  "Don't get hung up on the definition of family, family can be however you define it."  In our modern world the family has evolved and the word "family" may mean different things to different people.  So, if your current definition of family is not working out how you would like, maybe you should think about changing your definition.  To me, family are the people around you who love and support you regardless of our flaws, they will defend you when nobody else will, and they can look past the bad to see the good.  To me, a family is NOT one that belittles you, talks about you behind your back, and manipulates your life.  When you change how you look at family, you can change your life.  In the end you have to be happy with you!!! 

Happy Birthday

Today Erica would have turned 35.  Last year her birthday fell on 10/10/2010.  To celebrate she entered a half marathon in Joplin, MO.  My parents and her daughters made the trip to Joplin with her to watch her run the race.  Erica felt that birthday was significant since the dates only fall that way every one hundred years.  If only we knew how significant that birthday was. 

So today as I reflect and remember my sister, I wish her a Happy Birthday.  I'm reminded how fleeting and precious life is.  Sometimes the significance of the events in our lives are seen much too late.  Seize the moments in your life that matter and cherish the ones you love.  Today we celebrate the life Erica lived and the memories made.  Happy Birthday Erica! 

Seven Months

Yesterday was the 8th of October, seven months since Erica passed away.  Our family has reached another milestone in grieving Erica.  As each month passes by the reality that Erica is gone sinks in further.  Time may ease the pain, however time also reinforces the reality of her death.  With each passing month comes a sense of emptiness.  The emptiness that Erica's absence leaves a hole in our family.  The hole in our hearts and lives that Erica once filled.  Seven months have gone by but the emptiness remains.   

Quote: "To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die."
~Thomas Campbell, Hallowed Ground

Little Comfort

Throughout my life I've heard people say "there in a better place now," referring to people who have passed away.  This idea that "heaven" is a better place than living has given me very little comfort.  If Erica would have been sick or had a terminal illness those words may have brought some comfort.  However, Erica was only 34 and in relatively good health with two daughters and family who loved her.  So, I have a hard time believing that "heaven" is the better place.  The better place is here with her daughters and family.

When my Grandpa Andy passed away, from complications after heart surgery, there were concerns that his cancer was back.  He had a very painful fight with cancer the first time.  The one thing that helped me deal with his death was I felt God spared him from having to go through the pain of fighting cancer again.  Telling myself that helped me to believe he was in a better place. 

I've tried to find something to tell myself to help justify Erica's death.  Something to help comfort me and help me accept it.  So far I've been unsuccessful.  I have found very little comfort while grieving Erica. 

Another Tuesday

It has been 31 Tuesdays since Erica passed away.  Each Tuesday comes with different thoughts, memories, and challenges concerning Erica's death.  I have a bad habit of going shopping on Tuesday after work.  Typically I go to Hobby Lobby.  The day Erica died, I did just that.  I got off work and went to Hobby Lobby and then the grocery store.  Several times over the last six months on a Tuesday, I found myself doing the very same thing.  So today I came straight home.  I don't like that a pattern has emerged in my life, especially one with a sad association.  The plan is to change things up a bit.  I know I won't stop shopping but I'm going to stop being so predictable.

The What If's of Death

Everyday I think about my sister.  I often wonder how the choices we make affect our lives.  What if Erica had made different choices, would she still be with us?  Then I think about circumstances.  What if they were different?  What if Erica had a different Doctor when she went to the emergency room?  What if she had postponed the minor surgery she had?   One might think after grieving Erica for over six months the what if's would be over.  They're not, not for me anyway.  The what if's linger in my mind.  Then there's the harsh reality everyday that my sister is dead.  No what if's will ever change that.

Shopping Tears

While shopping today it was hard to hold back the tears.  For this story you need to know the history behind it.  Last Christmas something told me I needed to find something special for Erica.  I worried more about what I should buy her than usual.  I wanted her gift to show I put some thought into it.  I finally found a couple of things I thought she would like at this store called Belk.  When shopping today I found myself in the same department I bought Erica's gift.  The idea that I won't be buying her a gift this year entered my mind.  Then the shopping tears emerged.   I'm finding the ideas of the impeding holiday season to be depressing.  I'm sure there are many more shopping tears to come.