Holiday Struggle

So, my holiday struggle began at the end of October. During this time of year I find myself missing my sister more than usual. The holidays are a hard reminder that she is gone. There are plenty of things in my life that I am thankful for but sometimes the heartache I feel during the holidays is hard to overcome. For me, the holidays are a reminder of what's missing in my life. My emotions during this time of year can be very stressful and sometimes overwhelming. It's a daily struggle to stay positive and be thankful for what I have. Since I don't have the option of skipping the holidays, all I can do is pray for strength.

Death was Coming

Some nights I sit and wonder, did my sister know death was coming?  You know how you get that feeling in your gut that something is wrong or that something is going to happen?  Do you think we get that feeling when our time has come?  I have no experience with this topic, but the thought that Erica knew death was coming has been with me for awhile.  I find it intriguing that she went to church the Sunday before her death and church wasn't an every Sunday routine for her, or I.  Was there something that prompted her to go?  A feeling or a pull that she knew that's what she needed to do?  Or was it simple coincidence?

There may be no answer to this thought in my head, but the idea that we could be aware that death is coming is a little comforting.

Happy Heavenly Birthday!

I want to wish my sister a Happy Heavenly Birthday!!! Today she would have turned 36. This day is a reminder for me to embrace the time I have. Birthdays may come and go and the years may add up but at some point we celebrate the last birthday we will ever have. All that we can ask is that somebody remembers us when we are gone and today I remember my sister.

Happy Birthday sis!!!

No Fairy Tale Ending

When Erica and I were kids we would play make-believe all the time. We would pretend we got married and had kids and lived happily ever after. We tried on our mother's wedding dress and took pictures and we would constantly wonder who we would marry when we grew up. We wanted our lives to have a fairy tale ending. The happily ever after that happens in children's books. This is where the false idea of marriage and family is introduced to young girls. Prince Charming doesn't just show up, kiss you, and you live happily ever after. Reality is much different! Sometimes that Prince turns out to be a toad and makes you miserable until you die.

There is several things that bother me about my sister's death but especially today on my fifteenth wedding anniversary. It bothers me that she never found her fairy tale ending. I hate it that she died single, a hard working mother, and at a hospital alone. I wanted her to find a man that would sacrifice for her and love her the way she deserved. I wanted to see the light in her eyes when she looked at the man she loved. I wanted her to be happy. Erica experienced No Fairy Tale Ending and she passed away before her happily ever after came true.
  

Time Alone

On my days off I have a lot of time alone. Most of the time this is not a problem, however I have days when my time alone is spent thinking about my sister. Today while cooking dinner my mind drifted back to the day she died. I was doing the same thing, standing at my kitchen counter and preparing a meal. When my mother called and told me Erica was going to the emergency room, I never for one second thought she would die. I went about making dinner. Now, knowing the conclusion to the story, I wish I would have dropped to my knees to say a prayer. Just another regret!

My time alone reminds me that I'm still grieving Erica.

If I Had Only Known

Erica & Andrea, 1981

Each day I think about my sister. The passing of time has not taken that away. It has been a year and a half since Erica passed away. My heart still drops and tears well up in my eyes when I think back to the day she died. The thought comes to my mind....."if I had only known," there would be many things I would have done differently, if I had only known. I would have called, sent a text or an email, a little more often, if I had only known. I would have made sure I said what needed to be said, if I had only known. In my mind we were going to grow old and get gray hair and have plenty of time to do sisterly things together but, I was wrong. Now, each day I live with that regret and the thoughts of what should have been.   

Thinking of Erica

Over the last couple of days I've been thinking of Erica a lot. It's been a year and five months since she passed away and I don't want to forget the last time I saw her. I want to keep that memory of her smile alive. She was laughing and having a good time and I wish I would have taken some pictures. My metal pictures have a tendency to fade and so I have to actively picture my sister to keep her memory fresh in my mind. That's the funny thing about time, it can help you heal but it also causes things to be lost. I will continue thinking of Erica so time does not steal the memories I cherish.