Contending with Reality

photo © 2008 Athena Flickr | more info (via: Wylio)Although I know Erica is gone, I never saw any physical evidence of her death.  I have mixed feelings about that.  I know it would have been traumatic to see her and probably even haunting to me.  But there is a part of me that still doesn't want to believe she is gone.  Therefore contending with reality can be challenging for me.  My mind knows she's gone but moving on to acceptance is proving difficult for me.  How do you accept that your loved one is gone and get to the point where you can let it go?

Quote: "Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”

            ~Norman Cousins

Last Gift

photo © 2010 SFAJane | more info (via: Wylio)This past Christmas my Sister bought me a Pandora butterfly bead for my bracelet.  Of all the beads on my bracelet that one means the most to me.  Through the years I can't remember any other present that meant as much.  She could have gone the easy route and got me a gift card, but she didn't.  My butterfly bead was the last gift my Sister gave to me.  Just like a butterfly, Erica's life was too brief.  The beauty is fleeting but touches our lives in a quiet way.  May the beauty of Erica's life live on with her family and friends everyday.

Three Months

Another Tuesday is here and another reminder to me, it has been ninety-one days since my Sister passed away.  Life marches on and the clock doesn't stop.  Each day passes and time piles up.  Three months of tears and words I've shared, doesn't take the pain away for the loss I bear.  No words can describe the utter despair knowing my Sister will never be here.  Three months isn't long, only a fraction of time, life as we knew it no longer exists.  As another sun sets and the day is through, there is still one saying and it's sadly true, you don't know what you've got until it's gone.  So forget-not my Sister, even though her journey is done.  Time will not extinguish the memories we shared. 

Quote:  Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.
                 ~John Archibald Wheeler

Life

photo © 2010 jans canon | more info (via: Wylio)

The life we live is the life we make.  There are no directions for the roads we take.  The choices we make affect the ones we love.  There is no recipe to follow or tried and true plan.  No guarantees are given for how things turn out.  Sometimes life is a mystery just waiting to be solved.  Life has no "do over" button, so make certain that you, live your life to its fullest until it is through.   

Rejoicing in Death

photo © 2010 Rachel Titiriga | more info (via: Wylio)In my younger years I went to church all the time.  One of the lessons I remember was about rejoicing in death.  Remembering the lesson and embracing it, are two different things.  Death is one topic that is easy to see from only one perspective.  That perspective is usually how it affects us.  What about the perspective of the one we lost.  I know if Erica had a choice she would have stayed with her daughters.  However, when our life ends is not our choice to make.  I know Erica would want us to rejoice in her death.  But this step is difficult to take.  Maybe because the order of things is off, she was my younger Sister, I never thought it would happen in this order.  It still feels unreal to me that she is gone.  So I'm making the assumption that rejoicing in death is not instantaneous but rather acquired over time.

Quote: "When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.  Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.” ~Unknown

Being There

photo © 2009 abcdz2000 | more info (via: Wylio)Sometimes being there for others can be hard.  Finding the right words to say when you encounter someone who is grieving can be intimidating.   Rather than dealing with the awkwardness of the situation, sometimes people avoid staying in touch with the bereaved person.  I know I felt people were avoiding me after Erica passed away.  There has been times when I probably did the same thing.  Through this experience I can tell you the last thing I wanted, was to be left alone.  It helps me to talk about it.  When others share their stories of loss it helps.  Sometimes I need someone just to listen without giving advice.  Just simply being there is all that matters.

Quote:  That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not.     ~James K. Feibleman 

Emotionally Sensitive

photo © 2010 Roger Green | more info (via: Wylio)It seems since I've been grieving Erica, my state of mind is emotionally sensitive.  My reactions to bad news, tragedy, and the deaths of people I don't even know are more extreme.  I find myself in tears more than usual.  My husband told me this weekend that I was one of the most compassionate people he knew.  I hope his definition of compassionate doesn't translate to emotionally sensitive, because there is a difference.

When we encounter others in our daily lives we are oblivious to the plight in their lives.  The first month after Erica passed I felt like I had the word "sad" tattooed on my head.  In my head I felt everyone was looking at me strangely.  I was in tears so much my husband considered getting me a tshirt that read: "My Sister Died, He's Not Beating Me."  My emotionally sensitive state had him a little embarrased.  Now the tears come and go but my heart and soul have been changed.  My compassion has been deepened and my vulnerabilities exposed.