Preparing Myself

photo © 2006 Shirl | more info (via: Wylio)When we initially lost Erica suddenly, I was in a state of shock.  Almost three months later that shock is long gone.  I am totally aware of what we have lost.  So I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for tomorrow. 

May my Guardian Angel be beside me, with her arms around me, giving me strength to get through the day.  I found this prayer.  I'm not Catholic but I thought it was appropriate.

"Angel of God, my guardian dear
To whom God's love commits me here;
Ever this day be at my side,
To light and guard, to rule and guide."
-Traditional Catholic Prayer

Burying Her Ashes

photo © 2006 Louise Docker | more info (via: Wylio)Erica's wishes were to be cremated.  I have to tell you that seeing the small box our bodies are reduced to sent chills through me.  This Saturday we are burying her ashes in the cemetery.  It has been hard for my parents to take this step.  I'm trying to prepare myself the best I can.  I know I'll have a lot of emotions resurface.  Burying her ashes is an important step in our road to healing.

 Prayer: In sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ, we commend to Almighty God our Sister Erica; and we commit her body to the ground; earth to earth; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The Lord bless her and keep her, the Lord make his face to shine upon her and be gracious unto her and give her peace. Amen.  
~From the Book of Common Prayer. 

The Guilt Phase

photo © 2009 Jan-Joost Verhoef | more info (via: Wylio)Shortly after Erica's death I started to feel guilty.  This guilt phase only lasted a couple of weeks but I still have a random feeling of guilt every once in awhile.  Here is the rant/thoughts that would go off in my head.  It didn't seem right that I get to live and watch Erica's daughters grow up and she lost her life.  Why Erica?  I don't have children.  So why not me?  Is God trying to teach me a lesson?  What am I supposed to learn from this?  Even though I know her death had nothing to do with me, these irrational thoughts and guilt would appear.

In my head I was trying to rationalize my loss.  On a daily basis I try to make logical, planned and safe decisions.  Erica's death wasn't logical to me.  She had an allergic reaction, she got to the hospital, why couldn't they save her?  I want a logical explanation.

Even though the guilt phase is over I still have nagging thoughts that plague me.  Some of these thoughts are rational and others irrational.  I'm doing my best to make sense of each one and work through it.  I'm okay with saying that my healing is still a work in progress. 

Giving up Control

photo © 2006 Valorie Beaman | more info (via: Wylio)Control is a funny thing.  When everything is going great taking control is not hard.  When times get tough it is easier to seek someone else for help.  We also like to take credit when things are going well, and we like to blame others when things go wrong.  For me giving up control is a tough subject.  I've never been one to leave things up to chance.  I like to know what the plan is.  So learning to let go will take some adjusting on my part. 

For years I've made my own decisions concerning my life.  I would consider the pros and cons and make the decision that best suited my wants/needs.  Now as I'm searching for a new approach I feel a little lost.  How do you make the transition on giving up control?

I was thinking about the subject and I remembered a Bible scripture:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

And He shall direct your paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6

Giving up Control is going to start with leaving  my path up to God.  I pray that  He will guide me on how to make the transition.  So today is the day that I am giving up control.   

Still Surreal

photo © 2007 Scott Wilson | more info (via: Wylio)My recovery grieving Erica has come along way.  It has been 74 days since she passed away.  I can now tell the story without breaking down into tears.  I can think about memories and my mascara doesn't run.  But last night my husband and I were driving to go eat and he said "since Erica's death.....," and my heart just sank.  That overwhelming feeling returned.  It is still surreal  to hear this come from someone else.  To hear her name and the word "death" just doesn't sound right, it wasn't supposed to be this way.  Half of me still just doesn't want to believe it.  So if you find yourself thinking that it is still surreal, you're not alone. 

Just a Thought

photo © 2011 Alexandre Dulaunoy | more info (via: Wylio)I have this book called The Book of Good Cheer from Laughing Elephant books.  The book contains many quotes and sayings and I read it when I need to be inspired.  Since Erica has passed I find myself reading it a lot.  I want to share with you one of my favorites:

I will this day try to live a simple, sincere and serene life, repelling promptly every thought of discontent, anxiety, discouragement, impurity and self-seeking; cultivating cheerfulness, magnanimity, charity and the habit of holy silence, exercising economy in expenditure, carefulness in conversation, diligence in appointed service, fidelity to every trust and child-like trust in God. 
           ~John H. Vincent

The thing that draws me to this saying is that Mr. Vincent has set boundaries and expectations for his life.  Ones that he hopes will be beneficial not only to himself but also to the people around him.  Each of us should have an idea of what we want our life to represent.  I have known for a long time that my values are very traditional compared to others my age.  My outlook on life is important to me and it's what guides me on a daily basis.  It seems that many around me only seek self satisfaction and forget that their actions affect others.  If we have never stopped and asked ourselves what we represent, how can we expect others to treat us the way we want to be treated?  

Reactive Depression

photo © 2007 b k | more info (via: Wylio)Grief is a very personal journey.  Each of us will deal with the death of Erica in our own ways.  For me talking and writing about it helps.  I am hoping my family will not experience reactive depression.  This type of depression can be brought on by a death in the family.  Our reactions and how we handle our grief is very important.  Although reactive depression usually passes with time, if you realize your grief is affecting your daily functions you may want to seek counseling.  If left untreated it could get worse which can lead to major depression. 

The hardest part for me is I don't have very many people to talk with about my loss.  I don't want to burden others with my grief so I tend to internalize most of it.  Because grief is so personal some people don't like to talk about it.  It helps me to hear how others feel.  I don't feel so alone when others share their experiences and feelings.  We should never feel ashamed or embarrassed for being sad.  Erica was an important part of our lives and we miss her.  Just remember you are not alone.  

Quote: Sorrow makes us all children again - destroys all differences of intellect.   The wisest know nothing. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson