Two Months

photo © 2008 Mary | more info (via: Wylio)Many different feelings and emotions have been felt over the last two months.  Several of these emotions were new to me.  I had days that I didn't know how I would get through, but I did.  By taking one day at a time my life is starting to resemble something I recognize.  However, when I stop to think about what two months have felt like I realize all the days, months, and years to come that we will be without Erica.  This makes me sad.  

This weekend I experienced a "sneak attack," I was in the car waiting on my husband when a song on the radio brought back a flood of feelings and memories.  That overwhelming feeling came over me.  It was a hard weekend.  With it being Mother's Day yesterday and the two month mark of our loss my heart was heavy with grief.  My feelings are more in control on a daily basis, but I think it is safe to say that you don't just wake up one day and all of the sudden feel better.  It is a gradual process and by the way, I still haven't pushed delete.

A Mother

photo © 2010 Avia Venefica | more info (via: Wylio)In June of 1997 Erica became a Mother.  With today being Mother's Day, I know her Daughters are missing her.  It almost makes this holiday seem cruel.  It's too soon after our loss to have a holiday that clearly indicates what we've lost.  But I know Erica and she would not want us to wallow in her death.  She would want us to live.  Every good Mother wants their children to be happy and to build a life of their own.  I know Erica wanted this for her Daughters.  Just remember girls, your Mother is always with you and loving you from Heaven.

Quote: I am an onlooker on my daughter's dance, which I made possible because she came through me...I'm not a part of her dance. Yet whenever she takes a pause and needs someone to talk to, I am there. But that special dance with the child and the future is hers.
~Liv Ullman

Remember

photo © 2006 Derek Jones | more info (via: Wylio)Take a moment and pause today to remember happy times. Remember times with smiles and laughter, which only joy brings. For each of us played a part in Erica's life, from the day she was born, the first time she rode a bike, softball games, graduation, the birth of her daughters, many happy memories were left for us. Remember her smile and her blue eyes when they shined. Remember the words of advice she gave you to guide you in your life. Erica may not be with us but happy memories remain. She lives on forever if only in our mind, because we will remember.

Quote: Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

Unfinished

There is no perfect time to die and we are not guaranteed tomorrow.  However the timing of Erica's death left so many things unfinished.  She had just reconnected with a friend and they were talking about a future together.  She had just moved out of our parent's house into a duplex on her own.  She was taking the steps to independence after her recovery from her divorce.  It was such a bright time for her future.  Then in the matter of an hour she was gone.  One life ended and life interrupted for family, friends, and colleagues.  Unfinished feelings remain in our heart in that space Erica left.

It is hard to realize sometimes just how many lives we touch.  I've heard people say that nobody would miss them if they were gone.  Those people fail to realize the impact their life has on others.  Each of us makes a difference is somebodies life.  Maybe it's your children, a friend, and a colleague going through a hard time that just looks forward to the smile you give them every day.  Erica made a difference.  Her absence has changed the path and plans of many people.  We wouldn't feel unfinished if her life didn't make a difference in our own lives.  Like a painting that goes unfinished, something just doesn't look or feel right.  That is how I feel about losing Erica, unfinished.      

Shooting Stars

photo © 2010 Rhys Jones | more info (via: Wylio)When Erica and I were kids we liked this nursery rhyme:

Star Light Star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

We used to look up at the stars and make a wish.  We would search the sky for a shooting star.  Someone told us once that the shooting stars were Angels sent to earth on a mission.  So seeing a shooting star was special.  Looking up at the stars is different now.  I find myself wondering how far away is heaven, and will Erica get to be a shooting star on a mission?  

Going First

photo © 2008 janet farthing | more info (via: Wylio)

Going first is sometimes a scary thing.  Like going into a haunted house at Halloween, I'm not going first.  In fact I will get in the middle; someone else needs to go last, because they're the ones that disappear.  But in death going first is almost easier.  I guess I'm trying to find a positive or make myself feel better for losing Erica.  I was thinking about all the grief Erica was spared by going first.  Erica won't have to deal with the grief when our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends pass away.  She was spared the unpleasantness and agony losing a close loved one brings.  Instead she gets to welcome them into the light.  She is at peace, while we are struggling every day.  I guess my sarcasm has come out to play, because my Sister got it easy; going first is the way to go. 

Adjusting

photo © 2008 Chris Dlugosz | more info (via: Wylio)
The American Heritage Dictionary defines Adjusting- to adapt or conform, as to new conditions.

We adjust things in our lives every day. Some adjusting is easy for example: road detours, we have to adjust our route but we still get where we need to go. Adjusting to the death of a loved one can be difficult, because the route you have always taken is no longer there.  The route my family always took during holidays, special events, and our daily routines were altered. We can't pull out a road map because this route has never been traveled before.

Our map, routes, and our roles have changed.  I was a Sister to two siblings, now I have one, this is an adjustment I wasn’t prepared to make.  I’m an Aunt to two wonderful Nieces, my Sister’s Daughters.  I always knew while Erica was alive that I would have a role in my Nieces lives.  With Erica gone my role in their lives is uncertain, another route that has never been traveled. 

There are a lot of things that I can adjust to in life.  My route in life has taken many detours, road blocks, pot holes, and sometimes it seemed like dead ends.  I’ve always managed to adjust and sometimes redirect my route to better roads.   What I’ve learned is that adapting and conforming to new conditions can be difficult and sometimes you have to build your own roads.