Nine Years

No amount of time takes the sadness away! Today marks nine years since Erica passed away and although I have accepted her death the sadness is still there. Three months ago our younger brother passed away and it's been very difficult for me. I'm just devastated! The sadness can be overwhelming at times and the tears just haven't stopped. I thought I did an okay job coping with Erica's death. It took many years before I could say I had accepted her death. The circumstances with my brother's death is completely different and I find myself struggling. Nine years have come and gone and new grieving challenges have begun.  

Here We Go Again

My heart is breaking again! Last Tuesday my family watched my brother take his last breath. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Unlike my sister's passing which was sudden and unexpected, we knew my brother was sick. We thought we had more time, maybe a month, but he took a turn for the worse and passed away on our mother's birthday. The anger and guilt have resurfaced and another journey of grief begun. 

Daily Sadness

Many more birthdays and anniversaries of Erica's death have come and gone since my last post. There is still a daily sadness without her here and many moments I wish we could share together. I started this blog as a form of therapy to help deal with my grief and it did help. There became a point that I no longer needed to write me feelings down but the daily sadness is still here. A permanent hole was created the day she passed away and so far I haven't found anything that fills it. When death takes a loved one it takes more than their being here with us. It takes away all the things we were going to or might do and it's replaced by what we wished we would have done. The phone calls I never made and the occasions that were passed on become hard to ignore. Even though I know there is nothing that changes the outcome I still wish I would have been a better sister. 😒

Five Years

 

This year on the fifth anniversary of Erica's death I find myself thinking about my nieces. My mother is still living and her mother is still alive, so it's hard to know how my nieces feel about the loss of their mother. It's not easy to visit with them about it because they don't want to talk about it. I just hope with each passing year as our memories fade and Erica's voice grows faint in our minds, that they know how much their mother loved them. Her girls meant the world to her!

Defining a Good Life

Over the years I have lost many loved ones and acquaintances young and old. Through these experiences I have found one thing that puzzles me, the definition of a "good life". When someone young dies it's tragic and heart wrenching but when someone elderly passes away we find ourselves saying they lived a long "good life". Does being old define your life as being good? You could be a rotten scoundrel and die at 97 and people will still say you lived a "good life". Not because of the good deeds you did or didn't do, but because of the long life you lived. When someone dies young it's our reaction to feel cheated of the time we won't have together. We look at what we have lost and not the life that was lived. Therefore we define their death as tragic or unfair regardless of whether they lived a "good life". It seems unfair that age be the gauge by which our lives are defined as good because we truly don't know who has lived a "good life".  In the end I must conclude that a "good life" is really not ours to define. 

Four Years

Another year passes and there are still times it doesn't feel real. I have moments when I pause and reflect on the fact that Erica is gone. There are situations I play back in my head and wish I could change. If only I had said this or done that, would things be different. What if other people who influenced Erica's life had made different choices, would it have made a difference.  Then I always come back to the reality that Erica is gone and that can't be changed. No matter how many times you wish things would have been different the reality is still the same. The reality that life is short and time continues on with or without us. If losing Erica has taught me anything it's to seize the day because you may not have tomorrow!

A Birthday Not Forgotten

It was a rainy day today and the dark and gloomy sky mirrored my feelings. Today my sister would have turned thirty-eight. Although she is no longer with us her birthday was not forgotten. It was a reminder to me to make sure you don't leave things unsaid and to seize the opportunities you have while you still have them. At any moment life can change and the time you thought you had is gone. I miss my sister!

Three Years

Today marks the third year of my sister's departure to heaven and the start of Grieving Erica. I still miss her every day and there are still many aspects of her death that bother me. Not knowing the cause of her anaphylaxis keeps me wondering how this could have happened. If we knew exactly why she had this reaction it wouldn't change the outcome but it would at least give us a reason. The not knowing why leaves me open to create my own reasons and I would rather have a real reason than some of my creative theories.

After three years, time has healed the daily anguish that grief causes but it hasn't healed all wounds. There will always be that ache in my heart and the tears falling from my eyes when I think about losing Erica. Life moves forward but there was a part of our family lost on March 8, 2011 and that loss knows no time.

Another Empty Bed

It's been a while since I've posted anything on this blog. Grieving Erica was still a challenge during the holidays but my grief for my sister was over shadowed by our concern for our beloved pet orange/red tabby. He had been sick since Labor Day weekend when his kidney levels spiked off the charts and we almost lost him. The emergency vet clinic was able to stabilize him and over the following months his kidney levels (creatinine and BUN levels) went back to his previous normal. We were feeling relived and then recently he took a turn for the worse. We could tell his breathing was getting short and frequent and we became concerned. We took him to our vet and they did an x-ray and ultrasound and they discovered he had fluid on and in his lungs. At this point we became increasing concerned. Within a week his breathing became more labored and he was beginning to get weak. Our vets referred us to a internal medicine vet who has a better ultrasound machine. He did a needle biopsy of the fluid on his lung and did another x-ray. The news came back that he had cancer. The vets didn't recommend surgery for him because of his decreased kidney function and they didn't feel he would survive the surgery. From the Friday 12/27/2013, that we learned the diagnosis to the Monday 12/30/2013, it was painfully clear this was the end for our buddy. Our home now has Another Empty Bed where he loved to sun himself. Now that he is gone our house feels empty and my hubby and I are overwhelmed with sadness and tears. One of my favorite quotes about cats rings true at the moment...

"I love cats because I enjoy my home; and little by little they become it's visible soul." ~Jean Cocteau

 That bright spot at the start and end of our day is gone and it's something that can never be replaced. Our buddy is forever in our hearts.

April 2001 - December 30, 2013

Grieving Hearts

It seems everywhere I look these days there is a headline about violence and death. I know that wherever there is death, there is grieving hearts. Families and friends mourning the unexpected loss of their loved ones. In my life I've experienced the expected death of a loved one and the unexpected death that sends your emotions on a roller coaster. It isn't something you wish others to feel. The shock, nausea and overwhelming grief from the unexpected death is a feeling I can't explain. What I find so sad, is a lot of these deaths are from random acts of violence carried out on innocent victims. Victims who were at the wrong place at the wrong time and lost their lives because of it. There is a lot I don't understand about random violence but I do know that it creates too many unnecessary grieving hearts.

If you find yourself at my blog because your heart is grieving, know that there are sunnier days ahead. What seems impossible to get through today will eventually get better. I don't mean that things will go back to your previous normal. The normal we once knew is forever changed. My heart still grieves for my sister and I know it always will. Her presence in my life is gone. I will always have a grieving heart.

 

Done Trying to Rationalize

Losing a loved one brings about many thoughts and emotions. One problem I've struggled with while Grieving Erica is trying to rationalize her death. It seemed I wanted there to be a logical explanation for the question "why Erica?" I found myself thinking and wondering if things would be different if this, that, or the other wouldn't have happened. There had to be a good reason to take Erica away from her daughter's, family, and friends... right??? That's what I kept trying to figure out, but I'm done trying to rationalize Erica's death. If there was a "good" reason, then it shall not be mine to find. Looking for and trying to rationalize death is a futile quest. I have decided this is an area where my faith in God should be placed. I'm done trying to rationalize, my mind has found peace and I pray my family finds the same. 

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33


 

Two Years

Today is the two year anniversary of my sister's death. I still think of her daily and continue to picture her in my mind so I don't forget the many precious memories. Time has helped and the initial shock is gone, but there are still days that it doesn't feel real. The idea that someone you love is here one minute and gone the next, was a hard life lesson to learn. I still haven't deleted Erica's cell phone number from mine. I decided it was something I wanted to keep in my life. The idea of erasing/deleting her name from my phone was just not an option for me. There are still tears shed and times I wish I could pick up the phone and hear her voice or send a text. I still have a hard time hearing other women talk about doing things with their sisters, it's a reminder of the loss in my life. Grieving Erica will be a lifelong journey. Two years have passed and progress made, but I still face the rest of my life without my sister.

Missing My Sister

I know it's been awhile since I've posted my thoughts/feelings about Grieving Erica. My grief still exists but the grief is manageable. There are still many mornings that I wake up thinking about her. I think of her everyday! This week leading up to the anniversary of her death is always hard. Today, she has been on my mind a lot. Her laugh, her smile, her sense of humor, her candid words, the list could go on for the things I miss about Erica. In summary, I miss my sister.

Christmas Without Erica

Over the weekend our family gathered together to celebrate Christmas. This was our second Christmas Without Erica. My heart hurts because my nieces weren't able to spend Christmas with their mother. It's been hard to accept this change in our family. When I look at my nieces, I just want them to have their mother back. No amount of presents can fix the hole the loss of their mother has created. There's nothing I can do to fix it and no hug that will replace a hug from their mother. Each year we will face Christmas Without Erica and each year we will miss her and wish she were here.

Holiday Struggle

So, my holiday struggle began at the end of October. During this time of year I find myself missing my sister more than usual. The holidays are a hard reminder that she is gone. There are plenty of things in my life that I am thankful for but sometimes the heartache I feel during the holidays is hard to overcome. For me, the holidays are a reminder of what's missing in my life. My emotions during this time of year can be very stressful and sometimes overwhelming. It's a daily struggle to stay positive and be thankful for what I have. Since I don't have the option of skipping the holidays, all I can do is pray for strength.

Death was Coming

Some nights I sit and wonder, did my sister know death was coming?  You know how you get that feeling in your gut that something is wrong or that something is going to happen?  Do you think we get that feeling when our time has come?  I have no experience with this topic, but the thought that Erica knew death was coming has been with me for awhile.  I find it intriguing that she went to church the Sunday before her death and church wasn't an every Sunday routine for her, or I.  Was there something that prompted her to go?  A feeling or a pull that she knew that's what she needed to do?  Or was it simple coincidence?

There may be no answer to this thought in my head, but the idea that we could be aware that death is coming is a little comforting.

Happy Heavenly Birthday!

I want to wish my sister a Happy Heavenly Birthday!!! Today she would have turned 36. This day is a reminder for me to embrace the time I have. Birthdays may come and go and the years may add up but at some point we celebrate the last birthday we will ever have. All that we can ask is that somebody remembers us when we are gone and today I remember my sister.

Happy Birthday sis!!!

No Fairy Tale Ending

When Erica and I were kids we would play make-believe all the time. We would pretend we got married and had kids and lived happily ever after. We tried on our mother's wedding dress and took pictures and we would constantly wonder who we would marry when we grew up. We wanted our lives to have a fairy tale ending. The happily ever after that happens in children's books. This is where the false idea of marriage and family is introduced to young girls. Prince Charming doesn't just show up, kiss you, and you live happily ever after. Reality is much different! Sometimes that Prince turns out to be a toad and makes you miserable until you die.

There is several things that bother me about my sister's death but especially today on my fifteenth wedding anniversary. It bothers me that she never found her fairy tale ending. I hate it that she died single, a hard working mother, and at a hospital alone. I wanted her to find a man that would sacrifice for her and love her the way she deserved. I wanted to see the light in her eyes when she looked at the man she loved. I wanted her to be happy. Erica experienced No Fairy Tale Ending and she passed away before her happily ever after came true.
  

Time Alone

On my days off I have a lot of time alone. Most of the time this is not a problem, however I have days when my time alone is spent thinking about my sister. Today while cooking dinner my mind drifted back to the day she died. I was doing the same thing, standing at my kitchen counter and preparing a meal. When my mother called and told me Erica was going to the emergency room, I never for one second thought she would die. I went about making dinner. Now, knowing the conclusion to the story, I wish I would have dropped to my knees to say a prayer. Just another regret!

My time alone reminds me that I'm still grieving Erica.

If I Had Only Known

Erica & Andrea, 1981

Each day I think about my sister. The passing of time has not taken that away. It has been a year and a half since Erica passed away. My heart still drops and tears well up in my eyes when I think back to the day she died. The thought comes to my mind....."if I had only known," there would be many things I would have done differently, if I had only known. I would have called, sent a text or an email, a little more often, if I had only known. I would have made sure I said what needed to be said, if I had only known. In my mind we were going to grow old and get gray hair and have plenty of time to do sisterly things together but, I was wrong. Now, each day I live with that regret and the thoughts of what should have been.